– I saw two articles in the last week. “The End of the Democratic Party” and “Republican party is no more.” Both are ending, yet are the only choices America has had since 1856? I think if you’re a person who likes to write articles with no basis for logic or reality, you can get hired to be a political blogger…or a sports commentator. What are your credentials? “I can write stuff at least once a week about stuff and sometimes I’m 14% correct.” You’re hired.
– I was looking at my meal the other day and thought, “I shouldn’t give any of this to my daughter; it’s way too unhealthy.” Then I ate the entire meal without a second thought to how awful it was for me.
– I was walking through a parking lot and a woman holding a two year old said, “I told him he was a fucking idiot. What kind of shit for brains does that?” to her friend. I have found in life that the best judges of human intelligence are people who hang out in parking lots screaming obscenities in front of young children.
– The last time I flew a guy threw a fit because he had to dump a full 16 oz. beer in the trash to board. He dumped it, then the flight attendant checked his boarding pass. Wrong flight. It made my day.
– I got asked to do a comedy show once about 50 miles from my house. “What’s the pay?” No money, but you get free beer. “Oh great, I can do a free show and get a DUI on the way home? Sounds great. Of course, the same guy asked me if I was on the show that night. “Yes, I emceed.” What number were you? “First, third, fifth, seventh…” He didn’t catch on to my sarcasm then, either.