If there are twenty lanes at a store, I will inevitably pick the one that takes the longest. I picked the short line at Sam’s Club and was stuck behind a non-English speaker with an expired coupon. I was one minute away from giving him whatever the coupon was worth out of my own pocket. $400 off a bag of cheddar cheese? Here it is. Move along.
If I start a show or movie, my kid will wake up. At the moment I typed this, I’ve seen half of Star Wars: Force Awakens. If I sat and stared at the wall like a mental patient, she would sleep for nine hours straight. In fairness, though, I’ll fall asleep if I try to watch a movie in one sitting.
If I’m doing a comedy show where I need to leave right afterwards, it starts late. If I don’t care, it starts on time. If someone approaches after a show and wants to buy a shirt, I don’t have the size they want. If I drove to the show, there’s free beer. If I get a ride, it’s a dry show. Oh, and I get great gigs offered to me after I promised I would show up for a charity show.
If I go on a diet, someone brings cupcakes to work. Or doughnuts. Actually, who am I kidding – If I’m thinking about a diet, someone bring cupcakes or doughnuts to work. I was really close though.
If I get my haircut, they will either not blow dry the hair off my face or gel my hair in a style that makes me look like an angry, bearded, mid-40’s soccer mom with short hair.