I don’t do political comedy often, if ever. At least a third of the room will hate you, a third love you and a third will be too nervous to do anything. That said, I am have a psychic capacity, so I must share with everyone exactly what will happen in the debates.
Moderator: “Secretary Clinton, what’s your economic plan?” HRC: “I’m going to create good paying jobs – tech jobs!” M: “How? Didn’t you claim to not understand email?” HRC: “I have pneumonia! Fair share! Tax returns!”
M: “Mr. Trump, you have shown a quick temper and penchant for personal attacks. How can you be president and maintain diplomacy?” DT: “The media is so biased against me. I only attack when attacked.” M: “You called one opponent pathological like a child molester and accused another’s dad of killing JFK and his wife ugly and that was the primary of your own party.” DT: “Stupid media bias, your mother is a street whore. Oh and Hillary has brain tumors.”
M: “You said the Clinton Foundation would stop taking money from foreign sources if elected, yet half of your meetings led to donations to the Foundation while you were Secretary of State and tens of thousands of your emails disappeared before the investigations were complete. How can you be trusted?” HRC: “Sexism! 1%! Income inequality! Bathroom break!” (Runs off)
M: “Mr Trump, you’ve changed your positions on immigration, minimum wage and endorsements. You’ve also railed against trade imbalance when your clothing line was produced overseas. How do Americans know where you stand?” DT: “My opponent is a harpy. Build a wall. Make America great. You’re biased.” (Takes timeout to be on Bill O’Reilly show)
No one is left at debate. Camera pans to Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders drunk from playing drinking debate game together. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein raise hands. “Can we debate now?” America: “Hahaha, that’s cute. See you around. Let’s post on Facebook and change everyone’s entire political views instantly!” (Absolutely no one’s views change afterwards).