Hecklers by definition, are crowd members who agitate, interrupt and disturb a live comedy show. What is not generally known is there are several different kinds. All pieces of shit, but we know just like fingerprints and snowflakes, those aren’t always the same either.
The drunk heckler – One of the worst forms of heckler. The drunk is usually a man wearing a sleeveless cutoff tee. He’s someone who wasn’t cool in high school, but thinks he was. This person is subconsciously trying to be funny and relevant again by screaming out things during a set. What makes them vile beyond forgiveness is that even if you burn them, they are too drunk to logically respond. Example: “Be more funny!” I’m sorry, I don’t have any jokes about small penises you could relate to. “Your mom!” Excellent comeback. “Be funnier! (murmurs incoherently) This repeats until they are tossed or need another drink. How to counter: Natural selection will take over when they drive home blacked out and hit a pole. No action needed.
The “helper” – Someone, usually a hillbilly woman used to talking over everyone within 100 feet or a loud guy who is always telling stories that don’t relate to what is going on in the flow of conversation. They think they are helping by talking back to the comic too much. Example: You guys like movies? “Well, I do, but I’ll tell you, they don’t make them like they used to. Now when I was younger, we went to the theater and…” OK, THANK YOU. Looking for a yes or no. “One time we pulled in the old drive-in and had six people in the trunk, it was…” Got it, that’s enough. Tell your kids this riveting tale, if they’re not in prison. “We got too many hot dogs, that’s for sure. I think the movie was…” How to counter: Since they probably are used to being ignored, this one is tough. Ask the people at their table if it’s always this bad, usually one of them will completely snap and let out years of rage on them.
The wannabe – My least favorite heckler is the wannabe. Never worked on a set before, never had the balls to do time, and never bothered to spend ten minutes researching an open mic…but has it all figured out and they are funnier than you. This is their big chance! It’s usually an old white guy that knows six or seven “stock jokes” that involve people of various backgrounds walking into bars. Example: “I should get up there. I’m funnier than this guy!” Sir, you’ve listened to two jokes. The rest of the time you’ve been telling people, who were laughing, how much funnier you are, yet in the crowd you are, making no one laugh. “A rabbi, a priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. Tell that one.” How to counter: Some prefer inviting them onstage, but this just logjams the show, because they’ll either have a mic in hand insulting your act or they’ll tell a truck stop joke everyone heard in 1963. I generally start a conversation with them about who their favorite comedian is. The answer is almost always someone who hasn’t been seen on a stage since Reagan was president and the rest plays out very easy from there, since their view of comedy is about three decades gone.
When in doubt, I follow the Coen rule of hecklers. 1) Ignore them at first; most lose interest when no one pays attention. 2) Point out to crowd someone is needing attention and/or interrupting the show. A mistake comics make is assuming the crowd can hear the heckler like you can. If you attack too quickly, you look like the dick. Once everyone is aware someone is being a problem, then step 3. 3) Verbally abuse them until they wish they had never been born. Step 3 is my favorite. I made a heckler cry once, but without context, see rule 2. I’d look like a dick telling you what I said. (It wasn’t very nice and involved referencing razor blades and what they should do with them and why.)