I’m a simple man these days and I had a great birthday, but I would like a few things money can’t buy, so I made a list for next year.
– I would like companies I grace with my business online to realize the best way to keep my business is keep offering good deals and products, not send me three emails a day until I unsubscribe and type, “Back off, psychos!” in the comments section.
– I would like comedians I book at my shows to ACTUALLY PROMOTE THE SHOWS I BOOK THEM ON. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s a much higher percentage than you would imagine. 14 political posts a day? Check. Stupid one line joke shared on 6 different social media accounts? Check. Promote show one time in month preceding? “NOPE, TOO BUSY COMPLAINING HOW I SHOULD BE GETTING MORE WORK.”
– I would like whomever is in charge of GPS and actual street addresses get on the same damn page. Is it OH-13? State Route 13? US-13? While you jackasses are picking your own systems, I’ve been circling a credit union and UDF for 40 minutes trying to find this bar I’m doing the show at tonight.
– I would like for someone to invent a moisturizer for my nostrils I can use Dec. 1 to March 1 so every time I blow my nose it doesn’t look like a murder scene.
– As I am always reminded every winter, I would love for one, just one, car manufacturer make a door that doesn’t dump snow and ice all over your damn seat when you open the door. Seriously, they make cars that can parallel park, tap into satellites and even self drive. Yet every time it snows, that shit is going on your seat unless you get a flamethrower and torch your ride for 5 minutes straight.