Before the delivery, one of the nurses teaching the birthing class said my role was to be the “coach.” I liked this idea. Get some short shorts, an awful baseball hat with a cord running across the bill and a whistle. “HURRY UP WITH THAT BABY, SLACKER! MOVE!” Then I envisioned my wife jabbing a needle in my eyeball. I’ll be a passive coach.
My job once the pushing started was to count to ten. Luckily, my public school taught me to do that when I was a sophomore, so I had it down. Unluckily, the nurse and doctor we had all day had a shift change right then. “So, I know you practiced driving in a car all week for your permit test, but it turns out all we have today is a 1200 CC street bike and an M1 Abrams tank. Break a leg!”
After about an hour, we were starting to wonder what in the hell was happening, but at last, I saw some movement. Then the tiny hairy top of a head showed up. I was nervous that it was the butt and my daughter was taking after her dad, but thankfully that wasn’t the case. I then began to wonder just how in the blue hell whatever else was attached to that little crown of her head was going to squeeze out of that opening. I’m pretty dumb, but I kept that thought to myself (see above, the needle in the eyeball part).
The rest was a bit of a blur and I was pretty convinced my mother in law was going to pass out, but once things started going, they went. My plan was to ask how to make sure my girl didn’t have a weird outie bellybutton when I cut the cord, but I forgot about everything and just enjoyed the moment. We loved this little mess right off the bat…and boy was it messy. I got to cut the cord, so I’m pretty much a surgeon now FYI. I’ll cut stuff off anyone reading this for half what your normal insurance covers. You’ll probably die, but you’ll save money.
I must say it was the greatest moment of my dumb life and I’ve had several cool things happen to me over the years. When I got to hold her for the first time, I knew I would punch a grizzly bear right in the face if made my daughter upset. I’m a proud father and so is her mother. She is truly a blessing to us.