There are a lot of candidates, but my least favorite one was about a year and a half after I started. My pal said he had a gig for me that he couldn’t make. I was to do a show at a VFW in my hometown, 45 minutes, good money. I walked in and there were 300 people in attendance. This is a great turnout! Then the bartender said, “Oh, you’re in the other part of the building.” I walked around the corner and there were 15 people, most over 75. Turns out the other part was a fundraiser, I was to entertain the hardcores in the back bar.
A man about the age of Methuselah approached and shoved a microphone in my chest. “Are you ready?” No, where’s the stage? “No stage, stand by the door.” I grabbed a beer and went to start. At that moment, a dad brought two boys under 10 in the bar for steak night. Great, there’s half my material. The sound quality was awful, which doesn’t help when most of the crowd has hearing aids. The other bonus was that every time someone came in, the door hit me in the back. Thanks, asshole. It got worse.
After struggling with my new clean material I had as a backup, I decided to throw caution to the wind and spice it up. I got two tables laughing on my first blue joke. Then as I started the next one, the loudspeaker announced a blue Toyota had its headlights on. I fought back, only to be interrupted that the half and half drawing was at 9 pm. I did one more joke and the voice of God announced that the steak orders had to be put in in the next five. I was pissed…then I realized the man making the announcements was the old bastard that set the show up. I looked right and he was speaking into the other microphone, staring right at me while he did it.
I knew I probably shouldn’t punch an octogenarian, so I looked at him. “I’ll quit now for half pay.” “OK!” He was too excited. I finished the joke and walked out with a check I was sure would bounce. There is no worse feeling as a comedian than walking out of a VFW with old people staring you down with a mixture of contempt and pity. Sorry, greatest generation. I let you down. Except that guy running the sound system. He probably fought for the Huns.