Month: August 2014

I have seen a lot of posts and reposts of people talking about how much better things were in the 50’s or whenever, but last week I saw someone post about the 90’s.  I remember the 90’s.  They weren’t that long ago, but the author acted like it was some golden age of morality and it made me chuckle and roll my eyes.  With that in mind, I figured I would take a stab at it.

Things were so much better in the (fill in the decade)!  I remember when instead of people singing about making love, they just really heavily insinuated sex and may have dry humped the mike stand.  It was a simper time.  I remember when we had respect for our elders by holding doors for old people and then never visiting them in nursing homes, but we held some doors back then, gosh darnit!  Instead of sitting around on our fat butts and playing video games on high def TV’s with internet play options, we sat around on our equally fat butts and played the old fashioned way, on smaller TV’s and crappier graphics like real men and women!

Yes, back in the (numbers), our women didn’t wear slutty clothes like now, they wore more modest slutty clothes which still offended the previous generation, which did it too.  The men were real men, they only shaved some of their body hair, not most of it like now, those girly man girls!  Yes, it was a simpler time, when we didn’t gave corrupt politicians, we had ones before social media and the internet that hid it better.

Well, I think I summed it up.  Stay tuned for my take on things you can’t do anymore in your 30’s!  (vomit)

One of the tasks for a wedding is selecting a DJ.  A DJ can set the mood for any fun event.  The requirements are knowledge of popular music, an outgoing personality, and a little bit of tech savvy.  I have none of those things and here’s more explanation.

Knowledge of popular music.  I know who Katy Perry and Lady Gaga are.  I also know I’d rather get kicked in face than listen to their music.  That’s sad, because they are probably 10 times the singers that most pop stars are.  I’m the type of person that thinks the golden age of pop was when hair metal made the top 40.  Hair metal ballads are the closest thing to pop I’ve got in my iPod and I have to be in a really odd mood to listen to that.  Try working out to I Remember You by Skid Row.  I dare you.

Outgoing personality.  I don’t drink blood, but I’ll bet my old neighbors suspected me of being a nosferatu.  I usually only came out of night, wore black and could be repelled with crucifixes and garlic breath.  I’m in sales and use up all my friendly at work.  I act like this when strangers approach me after hours.

Tech savvy.  It took me five minutes to figure out how to turn on the mike the first time I hosted a show.  I didn’t have the internet until 2007 and didn’t get a smartphone until I bought a used one in 2012.  I do have several platinum trophies on PS3, which means I can’t program computers, but I can play video games until my fingers bleed.

That said, if you want a DJ that plays Machine Head, Jamey Johnson and Anthrax, refuses all requests and insults your party, I’m your Huckleberry.

I pay my car insurance every six months.  It’s a nice, “Oh shit, I guess I’m not eating this week” surprise.  I noticed my rate went up, which was weird, since I haven’t run anyone over for at least a year.  I asked, so they checked for discounts.  “Have you graduated college?”  Yes.  “Great, you get a discount!”  Hmm.  What about the nine years previous to this?  “Umm.  I’m sorry.  No.”  Of course, why would I get the money back for something no one asked me for nine years that I never should have paid?  There was silence.  “You haven’t got a ticket in a while, good job driving!”  Thanks for the compliment, you know what’s better than that?  MONEY.

Oh well, I’ll survive.  I then asked if I could get any other magic discounts and there was one.  All I had to do was agree to put a monitoring device in my car.  It would measure how hard I braked, what time of day I drove, and how fast I traveled.  In other words, if I allowed my insurance company to steal my soul and snoop in my biznaz, I could have some lunch money.  Next thing you know, they’ll start asking invasive bs like “Do you drink and drive?” or “Why are those construction cones stuck in your grill?”  Mind your beeswax, evil corporate scumbags!

Well, I know everyone reading this will be wracked with despair, but my field 4 softball team is hanging it up after this year.  I think even the guys that cared don’t care anymore.  I started thinking about the differences.

25 – Team yells at ump and each other often.  35 – Will that call or error get us to the bar faster?  25 – Beat out throws to first.  35 – Tear hamstring, get thrown out anyways.  25 – Females come to games.  35 – Females no longer come to games because 1) They’ve probably seen us play and 2) Now they’re married to the team member, so they don’t have to act interested in seeing their man pop out to the pitcher three times.  25 – Team sneaks beer into parking lot, gets harassed by cops.  35 – Team sees competition drinking, calls cops and gets their best player arrested.  25 – Team closes out bar, first one to leave after two hours of drinking gets called a pussy.  35 – No stays after 90 minutes unless the credit card swiper is broken, thus delaying exit.  25 – Team vows to practice harder and be ready for next season.  35 – Team thinks about going to a batting cage, but is too busy doing anything else at all.