I moved out of my condo a few months back, but just moved the important stuff at first. Now, my buddy is moving in and the clock is ticking, so I spent a good part of the week getting the rest of the stuff out. Holy shit, did I accumulate some BS in just under a decade. Here’s things I found.
– I had 12 towels. I don’t I had ever used nine of them. In fact, other than the shame of people knowing, I would’ve used the same one until it disintegrated on my body in an act of fabric suicide.
– I had three sleeping bags. I’ve camped maybe four times in my life, excluding a four day country concert I go to frequently. Three? Apparently I liked to get black out drunk and go to Gander Mountain.
– I had three trash bags full of Christmas decorations to pitch. This is strange to me, as I have never once put up any Christmas crap ever. Other than a wreath, and technically my mom put that up. One more bag and I could have opened a holiday store as a side business.
– Most interesting to me was the cupboard of lost and forgotten liquor from the ghost of Halloween parties past. I had a whole bottle of vermouth. I would rather drink monkey piss than vermouth. I also found a bottle of drive-through gin with a $4.25 sticker on it. I’ll see you at rock bottom, friend. It will be a dark day indeed when the knock off gin is poured.
Long story short, most of the crap I used to value is in a dumpster on the west side. I would tell you to pick it up, but I have no doubt hordes of white trash have already descended upon the scratched up TV stand and uneven kitchen table like a stray dog covets a fresh bone. Luckily, I was able to find a lot of important stuff. I can practically hear my girlfriend squeal with joy when I show her the huge box of collectibles I can display in her house. Would the George Washington bobblehead look better next to the bald eagle stuffed animal or the Captain America replica shield?