I just found out one of my favorite teachers passed away this past weekend. That’s not a great way to start a comedy blog, by the way, but it happened. Besides being a great teacher with more stories than most people could ever hope to have, Mr. Baltzly was completely unafraid to lay out his opinion, which was probably why I liked him so much.
When talking about the school district telling him to check hair lengths on boys (it was the 60’s, times were different), he told us, “If you think I was touching some greasy punk’s unwashed hair, you got another thing coming.” When told he had to check the short/skirt lengths on girls, he said “I can’t wait until I get to tell some mother I observed her daughter’s shorts were too short. No thanks.”
Nothing though, was better than the “dots” moment. He was sitting at his desk, end of semester. He pulled out an unused book. “Well, the women (the other middle school teachers) tell me I need to pass out some dots. Apparently, this is supposed to be some kind of punishment for bad behavior. If you act like a clown in my class, I’ll pick up your desk and put you out in the hallway. So, instead I have to pass out some dots to keep them happy and mold the young minds of tomorrow. Who wants a dot?” My buddy Honk said, “I’ll take one.” “OK, Honk, you’re a mouthy SOB, you get one.” Another guy said, “I’ll take two!” “Good, you should have two.” I chimed in, “I’ll take one, Mr. Baltzly!” “Coen, you’re an A student, I can’t give you a damn dot.” Believe it or not, before the ravages of puberty fully set in, I was quite the demure and well-behaved young lad. Then testosterone and cheap beers took over and it all went to shit.
Upon finishing, Mr. Baltzly had done his part passing out the dots and all was well with the world and the “women.” He retired the next year, mostly over his frustration with standardized testing and the world lost one really talented and fantastic teacher. RIP, sir, and you’ll be happy to know the legal system of various counties throughout the Midwest have given me the dots you wouldn’t.