I went to Cleveland this past weekend with the Brew Crew to watch the Browns host the Steelers. Oh, and to drink copious amounts of overpriced beer and nearly freeze to death. It was 13 degrees with the wind. I had three pairs of socks on with work boots and I thought I was going to lose a foot. Luckily, I had drank enough to kill a donkey, so I was able to muscle through.
I also found out what it’s like to wear opposing team gear in Cleveland. Especially Pittsburgh, which has won a lot of Super Bowls, making them even more loathed in Browns country, which has had 43 different quarterbacks and zero playoff wins since some time in the 80’s. First off, I didn’t know there were that many homosexual slurs. Good job, everyone. Second, I had no idea every opposing fan lived an alternative lifestyle…how does it work when you play on a neutral field? Does everyone turn bi? Or is it asexual? Damn, this is complicated.
Here’s a few examples: “Look at this faggot with the shit on his head!” Ah, my hat is made of shit, apparently. I replied, “Actually, I am a huge child molester. I asked myself, what team supports pedophiles, and the choice was clear! That’s why I root for the Steelers.” He stared at me. “That’s what I thought, queer!” Good one, meathead. Another guy wearing a brown leisure suit in line for the bathroom said, “Whatever this guy says is shit!” Sorry, you must have thought I was talking about the Browns record since 1999. “I bet you’re going to bathroom to look at dicks!” Ironically, he stayed in the bathroom longer than anyone. I’m sure, by the way, this happens everywhere. It’s not like one fan base has cookies and milk for opposing fans. The sad thing is, for the most part, I had to take the abuse like a middle school nerd because the potential to get beat down by angry drunks was very real. Oh well, I’ll show them all someday when my Comedy Central episode debuts in 2025!