Paris Hilton is about to release a new album. I think it should be called, “Surprisingly still alive despite all these STD’s!” or “Why in the hell did you buy this?”
When politicians are calling the NSA leaker a traitor, I have a strong inclination to like him a lot more. How dare he leak the info that the government is listening to our calls! What a scumbag! Not that I need to worry – my calls are 90% bitching about comedy shows or in-depth discussions of Game of Thrones topics.
Amanda Bynes/Miley Cyrus/Lindsay Lohan did something weird. Fill in the blanks. In sports news, Lebron James/Tiger Woods got criticized and everyone took sides. Fill in the blanks.
Finally, people in the Middle East are killing each other. We’ll probably get involved and regret it. Don’t worry, whichever side wins in Syria, they’ll hate us! You’re welcome, I just saved you 20 minutes of watching the news.