I went to my niece’s cheer competition this weekend. This should prove I am a good uncle, because excitement, enthusiasm, human interaction, and positivity are not exactly things that hover around my dark and dour demeanor. Imagine walking into a gym with about 250 (mostly) girls screaming and fist pumping while the endless beat of Justin Bieber, Rihanna and Britney Spears blare a nearly deafening volume, then keep that going for about five hours.
Right off the bat, I had a serious problem with one thing – most of the girls were good to go, excited, and family friendly, despite waaayyy too much makeup. Then a girl of about 12 did a solo routine. She was wearing a black cheer outfit and started flipping about the mat…with bright red sequined panties. I immediately looked away so violently, my girlfriend started laughing. Is this not bothering anyone else? Apparently not! I scanned the room and nary a soul was protesting this blatant over-sexualization of a preteen. It’s OK, apparently, because mom and dad approve! You know, I would really love it if my kid started smoking at ten. After all, smoking is cool! So are tattoos – hey junior, childhood is a great time, but let’s face it, it fades. What better way to carry youth forever than a Transformers tattoo before your first boner? Sounds good! People think I would be a bad parent?