Month: September 2013

I am not an artsy person.  I may be creative, but all my energy in that department is flooded by intense, bitter sarcasm…thus the choice to be a comedian.  Or try to be a comedian.  See the sponsors and ads on the blog?  No?  Exactly.  Still trying.

I did however see one amazing and creative show the other night, the Cirque du Soleil.  I thought all circuses were based on the hopes the elephant didn’t get pissed and stampede the crowd or clowns being clowns, but this one was insane.  There were people swinging off the ceiling, ladies on 10 foot unicycles, acrobats doing triple flips and landing 4 inch moving planks.  Of course, I didn’t understand any of it, because it was too weird and artistic and French.  I felt like a standard ADD American, staring at the performers trying to figure out what in the hell was going on, then I would see a juggler backflip and clap like a seal.  Yay, tricks!  I am an idiot.

I went to watch the USA vs. Mexico soccer match last night at a bar/movie theater.  It was assholes and elbows (that’s my vernacular for packed).  I got the last possible table, which was nice because it was in the corner and I don’t exactly love being surrounded by hipsters wearing their ironic false patriotism gear.  “I love America…cause all my other friends hate it haha.”  Hipsters.  Yuck.

I got to listen in to the gentlemen next to me, mostly because the wi-fi was down and I couldn’t zone out in the bliss of non-human interaction.  First guy – “Dude, they found out maggots eat wounds and stuff.  I think it was on the History channel.”  (Not breaking news, but wait for it…)  Idiot #2 – “Yeah man, that Civil War medicine was so advanced.  It was crazy ahead of its time.”  OK, now I’m dumbfounded.  That’s officially the dumbest statement of the month.

Let’s break it down.  Civil War facts!  Doctors, lacking clean dressings and sanitation, wiped the bonesaw on the same bloody cloth as the previous fifteen amputations.  620,000 casualties, 2/3 of which were due to disease.  2% of the male population wiped out in four years.  Medical miracles!  I kept my mouth shut, only because I knew talking would be more enraging than zoning out.

I had a fund raiser show Saturday.  It was for an organization that helps fund hospice care for people that can’t afford it.  That’s a great cause.  I thought, because I didn’t book the show, that it was actually at the hospice center.  I was prepared to regret forever my choice to tell jokes in general, but I missed the fine print where the gig was at a banquet hall.  This was good for all involved.

The show went well, the crowd was good, the staff was very friendly, and the food was great.  My favorite part was afterwards, where they had comment cards for everyone.  I resisted the urge to fill out one telling them Chris Coen was the best part of evening.  Even I have limits.  Well, maybe not, because I did pick them up and read them.  This is probably taboo, but I’ve done dozens of shows and never got to see the feedback from comment cards.  Sadly for my blog, they were almost all positive, except for one…but that person also said the A/C was too cold and four other things, so I’ll chalk that one up to a personality disorder.

 

I went with my lady to an MLS game between Columbus and Houston.  Lesson one?  It’s a match, not a game.  Damn Euros and their weird fake sports lingo.  Plus the clock goes up, not down, then it’s not done because of magic invisible bonus time.  I is too dumb for this.

I actually enjoy the sport, the scoring chances are exciting because they’re not all that common.  The only drawback is that the sport’s gamesmanship means these assholes flop around on the ground like they got gored by an angry bull.  Oh well, it’s still better than the vuvuzelas or whatever those horns are.  That’s a great idea – get annoying loud horns, then pass them out to children who have no concept of rage-inducing noise over prolonged time periods.

This is unrelated to soccer, but $8 beers should be illegal.  Or I need to find my flask.  One of those two.  I know Congress does nothing and half of them are drunks.  I think we can get this done.  Someone tell Boehner to quit tanning (you’re in your sixties, douche), McCain to quit playing iPhone poker, Reid to quit drooling and Pelosi to quit getting her face pulled back and stapled to the back of her neck – let’s come together and lower my beer prices.  (Insert Stars and Stripes Forever music)

I went to an event this weekend.  I was about to pay for parking at a kiosk that had the price listed.  About six feet away was a bright yellow sign, three feet tall that said “$5 Event Parking.”  A man came up to me and said, “How much is it to park here?”  I looked at the sign.  “I think $5.”  The man behind me then, trying to outdo the other idiot, “Does this thing take cash?”  “Yes.”  “OK, because I’m paying with a card.”  “Why did you ask me if it took cash?”  “Because I’m using a card.”  Sigh.

The very next evening, I went to get my growler filled at the movie theater.  That’s right, my local theater sells beer to go, it’s amazing.  I was walking to the door, when a cracked out looking dude was staring into the window.  “Hey, is anyone working?”  I sadly realized he was speaking to me.  Shit.  About three or four people walked through the door, but it didn’t register with him.  “Yes, just go in the door.”  “How much are the tickets?”  I stared him down.  “I have no idea.  I don’t work here.  However, if you go in, I’ll bet they can tell you!”  He was impervious to my sarcasm.  “Is it expensive?”  I repeated my prior answer, verbatim.  He finally followed me in, looked that $8 price and said, “Damn!”  Then he left.  Drugs beat movies, apparently.