Why would I? Good: I hold the baby and nothing happens. Bad: ANYTHING ELSE. My pal Dan has a great joke that I couldn’t get out of my head today. My friends just had their first child and I took my gf to see the lil’ fella, fresh off his circumcision – thank God I missed that.
As my chica was holding the baby, she said, “Oh, he’s tooting!” Then about 30 seconds later, do you want to hold him? No. First off, I don’t want to drop the kid and have that haunt me. I was pushing my niece on a swing, the rope slid and down went my niece full speed. She was fine, but I thought I was going to puke. Second, he just shat. No thanks. Third, that morning I awoke to find my dog had carpet bombed (literally) my place with runny shit. I washed vociferously, but I’d rather not hold the kid after that and give him a weird shit disease.
Lastly, I was told when I was born, my grandpa refused to hold me because men holding babies, in his mind, made them weak. I agree. Look at how I turned out – sensitive, caring, empathetic and very humble. Actually, I’m a hot-tempered alpha male who would rather get shot than be seen crying in public…maybe I should hold the baby.
PS – three shows this week in Columbus, check out the “SHOWS” tab for details.