– Guys that say bro. I went to get more beer and this guy was mopping the floor while a kid, about 16, was filming him on a phone. “This is how we do, bro. You know bro?” It was bizarre and I wanted to set fire to his phone for several reasons, but mostly the bro thing. Stop. He’s not your bro. He’s a future convict that has a Youtube account.
– People who have multiple tattoos in multiple foreign languages. Ohh, that means peace in Sanskrit? Ah, yes, that one means flatulence in Arabic. Umm, yes, they all mean I’m a self-serving douche in English. Stick to one foreign language on the tattys, you’re not diverse due to your ink. I saw a girl that had Chinese, Hebrew, and something else weird, plus English on her person. If I wanted to read foreign bullshit, I would have called Rosetta Stone. You’re not mysterious, dum dum.
– People that say “fuck” seventy times in Facebook posts. Example: “I told this bitch fuck you, I work for a living, you fucking bitch”…and so on. You’re white trash. You shouldn’t even be on the internet.
– Lindsay Lohan. First off, why did your parents spell your name with an a? Second off, you’re not a sex symbol, you’re a drug slut. Third, if you dated a chick for three years, you’re a lesbian. That’s fine. Quit playing a whore in movies. I know you like the chicas, the veil is lifted.
– People that don’t pop their whiteheads. It’s 2012, America. Squeeze that damn thing before it turns yellow or stay in momma’s basement, pizzaface.
That felt better. The voices in my head are quiet again…for now.