– Any time a story starts off with “I woke up naked”, I’m all ears. I have heard two this week and both were fantastic.
– Any time I see someone ordering food in front of me and it takes more than 25 seconds, I approach the level of rage that causes a stroke. It’s McDonald’s, stupid. It’s not that hard. Plus I see your huge arm hanging out of the window. You’ve been here before.
– Kobe Bryant’s wife said this week that for all the road time he is gone, she can’t be with someone who doesn’t win championships. One, I guess only married guys can win a title. Two, you might want to worry about something other than that…I don’t know, like your husband banging hotel employees. You are a dunce.
– I am so bad at parallel parking, I would rather park a mile away and walk than park in front of other people. I see your judging, old lady with the Bischon Frische. I see you. At least I still have a driver’s license!
– Preseason football is so exciting, then so disappointing, it’s like watching Kate Upton take her clothes off and finding out she has no vagina.
– I found out one of my pals has epilepsy recently, so for her birthday I sent her a shirt that says (in shaky font), “If you have epilepsy, clap your hands.” I may not have a pal when UPS delivers today and yes, I am dirt…but it’s still funny to me.