December 2007 was a big event for me. I had been doing comedy about six months and got w/ my pal Camp to put on our own show for the first time ever at the Zanesville Elks Lodge. As fate had it, there was a stupid ice storm so bad one of the comedians on the show wrecked and couldn’t make it. We still had over 100 show up, including my Grandma. My act is not exactly family friendly now, but back then I only did jokes where the punchline was about bodily fluids or sex. After the show, she handed me a prayer devotional book – “You need this.” You know I’m not going to read it, Grandma. “Just take it, I’ll feel better.” So I took it (I never did read it).
Despite this, I got a little less offensive and Grandma kept coming out to my shows in Muskingum County. (Saying I am less offensive is kind of like saying getting shot with a Glock 9mm is WAY better than a shotgun blast to the gut) She was hard to miss – white hair, big purse and every single time – a Chris Coen comedy t-shirt saying “Blah Blah Blah – chriscoencomedy.com” right in the front row.
I remember two shows a lot, I was doing a real shitdive with Iannarino and Uncle Larry – my best joke of the night to the crowd was when I called a guy a pussy for only having one DUI. They were a little too excited…but I digress. Larry decided to grind on my Grandma while playing the guitar and she didn’t blink, but did find time to insult him after the show, much to the enjoyment of all (including Larry).
Memory #2 was recently when my buddy Golak did a joke about heaven. The premise was how your idea of heaven might be Grandma’s apple pie, but hers might be hooking up w/ Clark Gable. As fate would have it, she is from Clark Gable’s hometown. My mom pointed this out, to which Golak replied, “Well, apparently Coen’s Grandma hooked up with Clark Gable.” She then retorted, “I ain’t saying nothing.” She has better timing than I do, damnit.
A couple weeks ago she had a minor heart attack, gambling of course, but still told all the nurses at the hospital to check out chriscoencomedy (she couldn’t remember the .com), which is amazing considering she wouldn’t let us give her a free computer. Why? She heard that if you had a computer, people could get in your house and steal your identity. Never mind the fact she didn’t have the internet…details, details.
Well, due to that heart problem, she passed away unexpectedly last week and it has not been a fun couple of days. Somewhere, a third world country’s economy is about to collapse over the lack of cheap, noise making toys that will never be bought by one Eunice Donaldson. I just hope the family burns her self-titled diary “The Old Desperate Housewife” because I read three pages and she ripped the shit out of half the earth. I find this hilarious, but then again, God knows what she had in store for my stupid ass. If you go back to the first show she attended, there may be a “Judas Priest! My grandson is filthy, filthy!” (She loved to say things twice) For some reason, she was proud of me and I’m sure she is in heaven now, cooking way too much food and letting people (Clark Gable and God knows who else) know what she really thinks about them. Love you Grandma and put in a good word for me, I am going to need it. The good news is that no one can stand a guilt trip from Grandma, so I think I’ll be OK.
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