I was at my other job (the less fun one that actually allows me to eat and not live in my car) when a co-worker asked if I wanted in on the Mega Millions, now at $540 million. My answer? Of course! Not because I think we’ll win, but because if everyone in my office left multi-millionaires and I was sitting there with my pride and $10 I didn’t toss in the pot, I would have to murder at least three people on principle. Can you imagine the boiling rage of knowing you could have paid $10 for $22 million? I have to calm down just thinking about how mad I would be, let alone if it actually happened.
One’s mind always begins to wander when thinking about that sweet, delicious money. I would probably react like Big Ern McCracken on Kingpin after the million dollar tourney – “I’m above the law! I can buy my way out of anything!” My goal in life is to live far enough from other humans I could poo in my yard and no one could complain. Not that I would, but dreams are dreams. I would build a huge house and a barn with a brewery so I could whip up my own beer. That’s about it, oh and the never working again. I beat Skyrim in two months last year. That’s 120 game hours in two months, not counting loading, early deaths, and restarts, all while working 40+ hours a week and doing comedy 1-3 shows a week. Oh the joy of staring at a schedule if I was a multi-millionaire…Wake up, eat chili for breakfast, start in with some fun summer drink like a Pina Colada or Old Milwaukee around noon (this assumes I woke up by noon), and play video games until the stress of it all caused me to slumber, probably around four pm. Upon awakening, a lovely dinner of double cheeseburgers and drunkenly buying friviolous things on the internet, like an eight foot Captain America statue made of Legos, signed Iron Maiden concert posters and weaponry from past eras. Hmm…I always wanted a morning star…only $4000? Ha ha ha, why not? I’m rich!!! Maybe it’s better I never get rich.