Now the race was done and the fun party could begin. That’s right – Tone Loc was back up. He actually started the first of two concerts at 11:25, right when I was starting the race. They showed him so much respect, they refused to turn off the pop mix blaring at us in line, which was about 40 yards from the stage. I know when people do that to me during a comedy show, I walk. (OK, I need the money. I’ll stay.)
I then made a command decision to hit the “showers” over watching Tone Loc, since I was covered in wet mud and it was 60 degrees when the sun was behind a cloud. The “showers” were six hoses, spitting out freezing cold water. Mmmm…hypothermia… Of course, several hundred people were in line and most decided to treat the hose like a professional spa treatment. I then looked over a saw a chick about 250 in her underwear and regular bra hosing down. I would’ve rather watched an orphanage fire than that 80’s hair metal video moment gone horribly wrong.
I saw Tone Loc hitting the stage from a distance and realized the only thing worse than headlining a race is being the guy warming up the crowd at a race for the guy headlining a race. He tried like hell, but not much excitement. Then Mr. Loc came out and did four songs – of course Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thing…and two others I’m pretty sure he stole off other rappers. Bravo! Bravo!
Amazingly, I finished 87th out of almost 2300 runners. Not too shabby. Remind me, though, never to run in a real race where people aren’t dressed like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, drunk or knocking on the door of morbid obesity. If I do, then this false sense of athleticism may quickly fade. In honor of my “still got it” moment, I have listed my high school accomplishments to rub it in the faces of all my haters.*
* All-MVL in football as a center in 1996, that is about it. Oh, and I once struck out three batters my sophomore year in baseball, but the paper falsely said I struck out 13 in 7 innings. Where’s my Nike commercial, you sons of bitches?!