About six years ago, I made one of the dumbest decisions of my life. No, not starting stand-up, it was buying a motorcycle. I had always wanted one, but I made two mistakes. One, I knew nothing about them and two, I am a dumbass. I got a great deal from a buddy, but he asked me if I had ridden one before. To this day, I don’t know why, but I said yes. Probably to save face or perhaps I was counting the one time I rode a dirtbike 15 feet.
There I was, ready to try out my new ride…a 750cc street bike. It was like never hadden ridden a horse, I decided to jump on a shark or Chimera. Visions of street races, slutty chicks with their thongs hanging out and a life of general danger racing through my brain, I sat on it for a test ride. I went into first gear, then pulled my wrist back slowly and released the clutch…and killed it. Five times. It was rather embarrassing, so I gave the gas the sixth time and watched as the raging beast flew out from underneath me and over a curb. Yes, I had wrecked a bike standing still. Shit, now I have to buy this thing.
I got it, but didn’t touch it for a year, realizing I was no match for a 350 lb. machine that went from 0-60 in 3 seconds. I finally got filled with shame enough to mount my iron steed once more. I got it going and it was the best 5-7 seconds of my life. Then I had to turn. I leaned into a patch of sand and cinder and went down, not helped by accidentally hitting the throttle. The bike somehow went up over my body, ripping the helmet off (the only smart move I made) and crashing into a hill. Sadly, this all happened in my own parking lot. Look at me now, ladies!
As the male nurse scraped rocks out of my arm later with a wire brush pre-stitches, I realized I am an idiot (again). The walk of shame with the bike, defeated, was nearly as bad. Worst was the huge hit I got selling it on Craig’s List as it sat there, mocking me until some hilljack swooped it up, ready to refurbish it and sell it to a real man. Sigh. You know what…I’ll feel better if I buy a firearm! Tune in next time for another horrible yet to happen regrettable story!