Month: June 2012

The show started with a showtune or something similar (who would have guessed?) and the men/ladies changing onstage – thank God with suits underneath, mid sections wrapped in duct tape.  I immediately became confused, because I didn’t know it was all lip syncing, so I felt a little cheated…then I realized I didn’t know 80% of the songs, so who gives a shit?

There was a lot of crowd interaction and back and forth between the performers, which meant a lot of cattiness, inside jokes and pop culture references, but some lines were funny.  I got lost again when the words boy/girl, man/woman, he/she were flipped around and switched so often I was afraid to guess which one to use.  The normal rules of penis=man and vagina=woman were out the door, so I just ordered more beers until I figured out this Gordian knot of gender rules.

As the show ended, I had to appreciate the fact that two men were able to sing as women (lip sync) just for the fact it was so damned ridiculous, I don’t know how one accomplishes such a feat, but I probably won’t go back ever.  Of course, by probably, I mean unless there is free alcohol.  I would go to a public execution for free alcohol.

My pal Camp came back into town this week and with his jam packed schedule, we only had one night to tear it up.  The dilemma was that he and his wife (yes, I shoehorned that in) were going to a drag show.  Not my ideal Saturday night, but I knew I could milk some comedy from that tit.

The show was at a gay bar (strange, I know).  This not being my usual hangout, I noticed some funny differences.  Instead of Miller Lite girls, they had Miller Lite guys.  The consistent part, though, is that the guys had distributed little handouts like Miller Lite LGBT lip gloss and rainbow wristbands.  LGBT lip gloss seems like pandering since last I checked, lip gloss works with equal effectiveness on gay and straight people and I already had tons of rainbow Miller Lite wristbands, so I didn’t bring home any trinkets.

Two men were applying makeup with their backs to room and the stage was adorned with wigs and women’s clothes – loud, abrasive colors and a lot of sequins.  I pulled the classic straight guy in a gay bar move of trying to put off as straight a vibe as possible.  Then I looked around and realized if any guys hit on me, they have the worst gaydar ever and I wouldn’t turn down a free drink.

Then the show started…(tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!)

In times of old, seers and soothsayers would examine dreams and predict the future.  People were very dumb in days of old.  I had a dream recently, perhaps influenced by my joke about how I could never be Justin Bieber, despite my sister requesting me to sing some Bieber songs at my niece’s birthday party…or I am secretly a teen queen.  In my vision/alcohol hallucination dream, I was in a basement of a VFW hall type place in my hometown of Zanesville.  I opened my set with my Bieber joke, but the crowd didn’t like it and the mike cut off.  I flew into a rage and spiked the mike on the ground and walked off the stage.  This part is probably not far from reality.

The mike replaced, I ditched the joke and then had a great set.  I walked around the corner and Justin Bieber was singing on another stage…in a VFW basement…in Zanesville, Ohio.  I then turned around and Selena Gomez said I was funny and asked if I wanted to hang out with them and my girlfriend after the show.  I declined, then realized I could get some nice connections and Twitter followers and went back to accept, only to wake up.

Whatever promoter got the Biebs to Zanesville should be my agent.  Also, whatever security guard let Selena Gomez hang out alone at the venue should be executed.  There is also the point, what person or persons says, my target audience is teenage girls and surly drunk rednecks, preferably foul mouths with a hint of sexism…Got it!  Chris Coen and Justin Bieber, together, onstage, one night only!  And to think, in days of old, someone would have told me this was a solid basis for the rest of my life plan or executed me in some horrific way due to the prophecy of lore foretelling that when the mike broke, the famine started.  Dreams suck.