Month: June 2012

Thanks to an interesting Groupon, I got to do ninja training last week!

Actually, it wasn’t really that…it was just a redneck half opened barn with targets and I got to throw ninja stars, hatchets, and throwing knives.  I was actually decent with the stars, as in I got about 1/3 to hit and stick in the target.  Well, OK, target area.  As in mostly the huge area around the target.  Everything else I missed horribly.

We also shot bows, where I further discovered if you charge me at 1 foot per minute, I will kill you with a lung shot in 25 arrows or less.  More likely, I will scare you by shooting all around your head, confusing and toying with you!  I also got a horrible bruise out of the deal that sucked – you’re not supposed to let the bowstring slap your bicep 30 times.

It was fun, but yet another childhood goal is gone forever.  I will never be a ninja assassin.  I will however, now focus more on melee weapons and becoming a barbarian warrior!  Back in the saddle!

The local comedy club’s open mike was back in full throttle last night, so needless to say, a fresh crop of crazies and assholes were back out.  25 comics showed up for 14 spots and mass confusion ensued.  At the workshop pre-show, a new open miker (I almost typed comedian, then punched myself) showed up, plied his wares, then took advice.  Another comic, more of a veteran, began to berate him for not practicing his act more.  It was awkward…then he got up and tried a new joke and forgot the punchline.  Physician, heal thyself?  It was like the coach who tells you how to swing a bat, then misses the ball 14 times in warmups while a cigarette hangs from his lip.

I emceed, which was fine, but a week ago I had a bad day and may have punched a wall.  That’s right, in 33 years I have yet to learn that the satisfaction from punching a wall last 2 seconds, but the hand pain lasts several weeks.  Now I will punch people instead.  Glad that’s settled.  I saw a newbie getting ready, he was pumping his arms and looking all tiger like, about to pounce the stage.  Knowing this was coming, I prefaced his intro by saying “I should know by now you shouldn’t blast walls when angry, then shake 26 hands in an evening.  Let’s go for the fist bump!”  Of course, he shook my hand like a farmer warning traveling salesmen to stay away from his daughter.  Thanks, cokey dokey!  Now I can’t grip my beer.  Die a slow death, holy shit that hurts.  Dislocating your metacarpals will do that.

I would type more, but my hand is throbbing.  Stay tuned for the “My Left Foot” blog!  Instead of Daniel Day-Lewis, you get Christopher Drunk-Pieceofshit.

I went to see this movie, even though some snobby movie douches criticized it up and down.  One went as far as say it was corny and the role of Lincoln was substandardly acted.  Umm…it has Vampire Hunter in the title.  Not exactly a period piece or a reflection of the struggles of running the Union through our greatest struggle as a nation, idiot.  It’s Abe chopping up vampires with an axe.

That said, if you like gory action movies, it’s pretty entertaining.  I don’t watch Van Damme movies for the deep internal reflection, I watch to see over the top ass kicking.  Well, I did watch, I don’t Van Damme has been in a movie as the lead since Legionnaire on TV only.

Being a big Lincoln fan, it was pretty awesome to watch him twirl an axe and end slavery via poignant speeches and good old fashioned hack and slash tactics.  Also, it was good to learn new historical facts, like the fact that he carried a silver coated arsenal and could fight with deadly force on horseback.  See what the “system” doesn’t tell you in school, man?  Now if only they could make a movie showing Washington killing zombie hordes in Trenton and Yorktown…

Part of my recent trip involved a lot of hiking.  In terms of exercise, hiking is about as good as it gets.  I run a lot, up to 15 miles a week on a good week.  Do I like it?  Hell no.  It sucks.  It helps relieve stress and keeps my pants fitting.  Trust me, if I had a human temper or was an ectomorph, my ass would never run.  EVER.

The first one we hiked was right before sunset.  There was a warning that the trails could lead off the main path for miles and I watched the sun sinking in the sky.  We couldn’t find the main trail and at that moment, standing in a gorge’s dead end, I realized every “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” episode started like this.  I began examining which part of my girlfriend I would have to eat to survive when we finally found our out.  Shut up voices in my head!

Day two was hot and we got off to a bad start because every idiot in the tri-state decided to go to the main trail at Old Man’s Cave.  Why do people bring one year olds hiking?  Seriously.  While I’m thinking about it, it works the other way too.  I’m sure Grandpa likes nature, but if you’re 85…you might want to give it a rest on the downhill dirt trail.  Thankfully, we went to another trail with less people and a better view.  It looked a lot like the movie “Last of the Mohicans” so I was able to hike imagining I was running through the hills killing enemy soldiers with a tomahawk.  Ah, positive thoughts.  I should hike more often.

Comedy sucks in the summer, but I actually got to take a day off work and travel with my lady to a rustic cottage in the rolling hills of southeastern Ohio.  I liked the place before we got there, because it was called the Freedom cottage, and who doesn’t like freedom?  Plus there were eagles everywhere, like this one –

The bad news was that we had “country” water.  I hadn’t run into this since Grandma’s house back in the 80’s.  It had that lovely rust smell and taste.  I filled up the dog’s water and an hour later, it appeared as though someone peed in the bowl.  I went to shower and that vile metallic stench was on my body for five minutes afterwards.  Country getaway: Not being bothered, good!  Unfiltered carcinogen water, bad!

Oh well, the place is clean and we have a nice view – no other houses in immediate sight.  My chica soon would discover yet another quirk of my OCD…my intense and deep loathing of bugs.  While the door was open for approximately 11 seconds, three flies found their way in.  I go into lockdown mode when I find a fly.  Why?  They eat shit.  They literally land on rotting food and poop, then head right for your pasta salad.  No thanks.  Plus in the sticks, these devils buzz your ears and occasionally bite.  I ran around the house for 15 minutes until I killed every last one.  I felt great…until she found a tick in the bathroom.  Now I may have an aneurysm.  Give me another beer, I have work to do…

 

I took the day off.  Suck it sideways.  Well, that didn’t endear anyone.  Oh well.  Do yourself a favor and go to youtube.  Type in music from eight bit NES games.  Congrats, your night is planned.  (FYI – despite what you find, Castlevania III had the best music).