Month: March 2012

Before you pull out a pre-formed opinion, please read the whole blog.  I was reading online news stories last week at wrote and performed a quick joke about the woman that testified in front of Congress that she needed help (and others, too) paying for birth control.  I said, this is a pretty high profile way to tell everyone you’re a slut (assuming the reason why was that she banged all the time, for the slow).  Most people laughed, on to next joke.  No big deal.  Then this Rush Limbaugh stuff blew up going into the weekend…looks like my joke is done…

I don’t give a shit what you think of Limbaugh, but every time something like this happens, everyone goes nuts.  He was quite the ass using language as he did to describe the woman and guess what?  His stupidity cost him a ton of sponsors and money.  Good.  As for the speech monitoring…think you’re exempt?  Imus had to crawl on his hands and knees over the Rutgers basketball incident.  I read last month the Million Moms were yet again pissed about something – probably sex or a perceived homosexual takeover of their kids thanks to an orange juice commercial.  I saw people online clamoring for getting his show off the air and a lot of other things.  This bothered me – if you hate him, don’t listen!  If you support him, listen!  If you don’t give a damn, join most people too busy to tune in or out and ignore him!  If we shut up every asshole in America, no one would be talking.  If he, or anyone else sucks enough, guess what?  They’ll be gone and the first amendment still stands.  There’s a reason I have the Bill of Rights framed in my guest room (a copy, they wouldn’t give me the original).

As a comedian, I am very sensitive to freedom of speech.  I have had people cuss me out after shows, insult me, tell me my act was “insensitive” by picking out one joke and ignoring all the others.  I’m not one of those douches who just goes for shock value with no humor, but I tend to say whatever I want to if the show permits.  I’ve paid the price for it.  If you don’t like my act?  Don’t watch it.  Don’t buy a shirt.  Ignore me, check your facebook status, or just fucking leave.  I don’t care – if I consistently suck, you’ll never hear from me again.  That’s on me.  I’m just glad we still have a pretty solid number of people in this country that can laugh about things and relax.

As much as it pains me to admit, I even have to say those putrid pieces of shit from the Westboro Baptist Church (the boil on society’s ass that protests gays at dead soldiers’ funerals) have speech rights.  Granted, if I was there and they showed up, I would beat the shit out of as many as I could until I went to jail, but feel free to protest!  Alright, that’s not the best behavior supporting freedom of speech, but I really hate those pig fucking inbreds.  You know what happens now when the Westboro blasphemers show up?  Patriots and the tolerant of our country form walls with signs to block them from the view of the greiving.  If those single-celled skidmarks never protested in the first place, so many good people wouldn’t get together and show their support for our fallen heroes and as a bonus, our rejection of those who put down an entire group of our fellow men and women who are gay.  That’s a pretty beautiful response to something so ugly.  Not as beautiful as me driving my car into a group of scumdick hatemongers as the Battle Hymn of the Republic plays on my stereo, but most people are better than me.

If you read this whole stupid rant and you hate me, then go fuck yourself – you wouldn’t like my jokes either.  I don’t care about Rush saying slut or Imus saying hoes or Maher says twat any more than I protest rap music.  I don’t care if Jesse Jackson calls Obama the N word or Soros says Bush is a Nazi.  If someone says something dumb, I dismiss them as dumb as move on.  I don’t have time to get pissed about words and opinions, I’m already pissed off enough.  Sorry, PC police, the freedom of speech covers all of us – liberal, conservative, aethiest, religious, and so on.  Even Mel Gibson, for God’s sake.  And he’s not even American.  And that fact, among many, is what makes America one badass place to live.  Back to the funny tomorrow, I had to get that out.

It wouldn’t be fair to talk about my show last weekend without leading in with the last time I was here.  I got a gig, checked into the hotel, and drove over to the show.  About 15 minutes before the show (where I was supposed to do 30 minutes), a guy said to me, “Where’s your buddy?”  Me: “What?”  Him: “The other comic.”  “I have no clue.”  He walked away.  About five minutes later, he said “Well he’s late, you have to do the show until he gets here.”  OK, terrific.

They were merciful and delayed the show a whopping five minutes.  I went up and did one hour of comedy…then ran out o’ jokes.  I then paused and told the crowd what was going on.  I then proceeded to tell tales from my misfit past for the next 25-30 minutes and ran out of those.  Much to my benefit, the headliner walked in and I got the hell off the stage, but thankfully, the crowd stood up and applauded.  Every once in awhile people are pretty damn cool.

I got no extra pay, but the bar comped my tab and I took full advantage of it.  The headliner, to his credit, drove me to the hotel and then back to my car in the morning.  I am pretty sure he hated my guts for that, but I really didn’t give a hot shit after doing everything but tap dancing to fill 90 minutes of stage time.  Showbusiness!  Dance for me, you puppet!  Sigh…

New podcast with Jake Iannarino.  http://jakeiannarino.com/2012/03/the-reprobate-travelcast-episode-2/  Check it out for travel stories from my travels in Mexico…and eastern Ohio.

Last one of these…

#41 No one has the magic key to comedy.  If they say they do, they’re a dick (myself included).

#42 Getting a check after a bad show is very scary.  Comics like cash.

#43 Every comedian wishes they started earlier in their life.

#44 Winning a comedy contest is a great feeling…for about a month.  Then you realize it means very little other than a nice intro.

#45 Writing new jokes becomes infinitely harder when you start getting paid work.  That said, constantly writing new jokes when no one pays you should tell you something.

#46 Recording a good DVD is harder than anything you’ll ever do as a comic.

#47 After you start getting paid work for a year, you’re surprised anyone has ever paid you to tell jokes.

#48 Every time you record a set and kill, your camera fucks up.

#49 Every time your friends finally come to show, the venue sucks.

#50 Taking a quick piss right before you go up is the worst decision you can make once you realize you dribbled on yourself.

And a bonus…thanks to Dan #51 Every comedian will use a new comic for a ride, booze, or some other favor in return for a promise of a gig that never happens.

#31 Every comic does stuff they know.  Examples – Gay comedians do gay jokes.  Fat comics do jokes about being fat.  I do jokes about drinking and being a hilljack, sorry if you want jokes about foreign films and fine wines.

#32 Exception to the rule above: I do relationship jokes, thus proving truth #31.

#33 Every comedian bitches about people texting during their set…then promptly updates all their social network sites while other comics are onstage.

#34 Every comic has a really funny story they can’t make into a funny joke.  It sucks.

#35 Following a really awful comedian is every comic’s dream/nightmare.

#36 Stand-up comics hate improv groups, who hate sketch groups, who hate stand-ups.  It’s like city boys who make fun of small towners, who bash hillbillies, who call city boys pussies.

#37 Everyone’s definition of clean is different.  I had one, until I had to do a kid’s show.  I did three minutes and bailed.

#38 Your definition of clean doesn’t equal the club’s.  Trust me.

#39 Never underestimate the stupidity of drunk people.  Your English literature joke is no match for a guy smacking his own ass onstage.

#40 Free booze at a show is awesome.  Until you realize the town you’re in has no taxi service.