Why I hate hecklers

I rarely get heckled.  Not b/c I am the greatest comic ever – clearly I am in the top ten, but I digress.  Maybe it’s my voice or my rock hard body.  Who knows?  I hate hecklers due to the fact that they want to be part of the show, but clearly don’t have the nuts to get onstage.  Plus, if you go after them, you’re somehow the dick.  I handle it thusly – first, I ignore them.  Second, I be nice and acknowledge the fact that they are annoying.  Finally, after nearly a minute of wasted time, I go after them with gusto.  My first heckler was a chick w/ two green mohawks (yes, two, like a double Roman war helmet).  She screamed that I sucked before I ever took the stage.  I asked her if she hated her mom or her mom hated her.  “Oh, clearly your mom hates you; because you have two green mohawks you disappointment.”  She ran out bawling, so I nailed it, but the crowd was done with me.  Oh well.  I have seen probably 100 hecklers, 90 of whom were wasted, so they were useless in the back and forth.  I was at an unpaid show last night with about 25 crowd members and one guy decided to bash my buddy Jeff Burgstrom, who is a prodigy at crowd work.  His only contribution was “Be more funny” which wasn’t funny very quickly.  Way to contribute, catch phrase old douche still wearing hipster black rimmed glasses at 50.  You’re not young and/or humorous.  Rather, you made every patron’s experience more tedious.  Too bad you still feel it necessary to hang out at campus bars, alone, at that age only to be destroyed by a comic and add 10 minutes to the show.  Your mom clearly hates you.