I have been doing stand up for over four years now, not counting the one open mike I did at a bar at Easton mall in 2004. That fine show involved a huge gong behind the mike. I was the only comic not to get the dreaded gong. In fairness, I brought nine of the 20 people, I think only one of the rest was paying attention. Or I was a prodigy. That sounds better. Let’s stick w/ that.
People ask me if I do this full time. I would love to, but I like to live in a house, own a car, and oh, yes – eat food not found in a dumpster. When I first started, I heard it took 7-10 years to make a living doing comedy and I scoffed at these naysayers. After all, I got solid laughs at least every other time I performed. Now I realize they’re probably right, b/c I still work 40 hours a week. That said, other than two days for a camping/concert trip, I use all my sick days, vacation, and personal days to travel for comedy. This is a fine plan, as long as you 1) Have 40 days’ vacation or 2) Never get sick and can go w/out sleep.
My worst was a show in Morgantown, WV at the now out of business Club Octane. The show was supposed to start at nine, with some WVU students (3-5 total) doing five minutes each. Well, b/c college students are animals, no one showed up until 10:30 and the show was a mere hour and 45 minutes late. Ten comics showed up and every single one went over time. My personal favorite was the MC, who did at least three minutes b/w every comic. I told him to button it up and he ignored me. Then I threatened to beat his ass, so he kept it to two minutes for the last comic before. The last one was a theater major and very drunk chick who had been heckling everyone all show (most deservedly, unfortunately). She was so bad, 20 of the 50 patrons walked out during her seven minutes of hell.
I walked onstage at midnight, in a very foul mood. A few minutes in, mommy’s mistake started heckling me. I proceeded to tell her I would have her cutting her wrists in one minute if she wanted to keep up. A string of four letter words and several pointed insults about her appearance later, she ran out in shame. I got done and left at one staring at a four hour drive. I then went to work at 7:45 am and pulled an eight hour shift. That’s why when I see a new open miker ask about getting paid work after one five minute bomb of a set, I just smile, knowing the Hindenburg that is their dreams is about to go down. You’ll quit in a month and the cycle begins anew. Pick up a guitar, learn a G chord, then ask Columbia when you get your record deal – same logic.