As the weather improves, most of us think about upcoming vacations. Vacations are weird. They usually involve more stress than just staying home and cost a lot of money. Last time I went to Las Vegas, I lost enough money to feed a Ugandan family of five for a year. Plus for me, being unmarried my whole life, all my buddies have one question for me upon returning: “Did you get laid?” I got this question once after returning from camping in West Virginia for a weekend trip of white water rafting. The only way I was getting laid in the middle of nowhere in West Virginia is if I pulled a Ned Beatty and got found in the forest by toothless hill people. No, my friends, I didn’t find the magic vagina tree in the wilderness. I’ve been to Mexico a couple times and once they gave my hotel to other group of people. I spent the first night guarding a pile of shoes with a chair leg suffering sleep deprivation until my buddy Peterson threatened the travel company with a baseball bat and got us a four star hotel. Once, I went to Washington DC on a tour bus and got sat by the crapper, which on a bus, is not supposed to be a crapper, but try getting 40 people in their 70’s to hold a deuce for more than hour. It smelled like a cesspool within 55 minutes of pulling out of Ohio. Is there such thing as a stress free vacation? If you have kids, then no. If you travel, then no. If you are forced to interact with other people, then no. My ideal vacation? Ten cases of beer and a new Playstation 3 game in a bunker isolated from humankind.