I headlined a gig Tuesday night, one of the first legit headliner shows of my life. Features do 25-35 minutes, h/l’s (yes, I’m using that) have to do 45-60 minutes. The jump wasn’t bad for me, b/c I have the time. The hard part? Getting it to flow. This weekend I will be rewriting my set, due to the fact I noticed the last few jokes are random topics. I think one of the keys to doing stand-up that is most underrated is the art of putting a set together.
Example: You can’t do a joke about sex, then interject a clean joke about your aunt’s casserole. It’s too random. That’s what sucks about that much time – not the material, but getting a flow that fits and isn’t absurd. The other thing that sucks is driving home on a Tuesday. Yes, I did have to piss like a racehorse, but I was getting a little sleepy. It was a stop light in Kenton, Ohio, I realized I had two plastic cups and a rag. I fashioned a little trucker bomb to avoid losing ten minutes to stop. That is how OCD I am about time…or how disgusting I am for pissing in my own car at up to 60 mph. The challenge is cutting it off before spillage. Try cutting off a stream mid-flow. Worse than waterboarding. I worked at a truck rental facility once and my co-worker had to clean out a double bunk condo sleeper. He emerged, with gloves on (thank God), holding two frozen milk jugs full o’ urine. Pissicles! MMMMM! Can I have one, grandma?
In synopsis – headlining is glamorous…until you realize you a pissing into an eight ounce plastic cup in your own car. Hold on, it’s my agent – he said I’m going to be a big star!
You need one of those portable johns that I saw in airplane catalogs once. It let’s pilots go as they fly. You could use it too. But then you’d have to wash it and clean it… Kinda yucky if you ask me. But it sure beats the risk of spillage.