I “headlined” an awful show tonight, so I thought I would recap bad shows for my millions of fans to give everyone an insight to the dark side of comedy…. One of my worst shows was in my hometown of Zanesville, Ohio. I showed up at a VFW and there were 300 people there. I went up to the barkeep and she told me I was in the “other” room. I walked across the building and there were 20 people in the bar, 17 of whom probably were doughboys in WWI. The gentleman who set up the gig handed me a mike and told me to stand by the door, which opened inward, meaning everyone who entered hit me in the back with the door. To top off the intro, a guy brought his two sons, under 10 in the room and sat down in the front. As I started talking into the Mr. Microphone quality sound equipment, the voice of God came over the loudspeaker. It was announcing that so and so had their lights on or the raffle drawing was in 10 minutes. After 20 minutes of this torture, I looked right and realized the perp was indeed my benefactor, Mum-Ra, the ever living, the man that booked me for the show. When he interrupted me for the fourth time to announce that steaks had to be ordered in five minutes before the grill was shut off, I snapped. I told Montgomery Burns I would quit then for half pay. And I did. It is the only time I have ever bailed on a show and the manager took me up on it. I’m sure he’s dead now, but so is a piece of my soul for embarrassing myself in front of the generation before the greatest generation. In retrospect, I still got paid and the check didn’t bounce, so I will call that a win.