I stayed in a Days Inn last night. Apparently, Days Inn is Sanskrit for “Huge narrow pillows and hard lumpy beds.” I woke up with a baseball just above my beltline. I, like millions of Americans, have a HORRIBLE lower back. How you say? Working in the coal mines? A childhood of picking crops? No, a powerlifting injury so severe, my manhood was eternally damaged.
I started powerlifting for football in HS in 1995. I went from 145 lbs. of pencil necked nothingness to the stacked inhuman factory of mass you see today in just 18 months. There was a little blip though. My sophomore year I entered the Philo HS regional meet at 165 lbs. I benched, I deadlifted, I conquered. I was in third place, then the squat came up. I have massive Mildred Coen legs, which is gross for my grandpa, but awesome for me. I could squat 455 lbs. back then…but as I was warming up, I thrust my hips forward too far and blew out my lower back. My spotters were trading a fresh can of snuff, so at least my sacrifice was not in vain (sarcasm).
Long story short, I dropped to knees and could not stand up straight. Even though I finished my “warmup”, they wouldn’t count it. Fine. Instead of fourth, I don’t win. Then they gave out the awards. It turns out b/c I didn’t finish the last lift “officially”, I got last. Ninth place by five pounds was a fat chick named Heather (or Jenny, I kind of blacked out at that point). Her three lifts beat my two due a dumb technicality that I didn’t say “This is my lift.” I had to walk in front of 300 people and get my “This guy is weaker than a fat chick” award.
I was so angry I ate the ribbon. Literally. I ate it. Then I punched walls until my hands were swollen. The next year I put up 1175 lbs. and finished 7th in the state of Ohio at 185 lbs. Yet the stain of finishing below a woman, even on a technicality, haunts me to this day. That’s why, when a drunken woman says “I can take you!”, I am uncomfortabally aggressive. TAKE THAT HEATHER! (Elbows and throat punches). “My name is Ellen!” We’ll see who’s better! I should be in physical and mental therapy…