Tonight I did a benefit show that raised over $250,000 for COSI in Columbus. I tried to hide my white trashness, but I was drinking scotch out of a martini glass, so I probably failed. I also had to bust through a sheet of sugar glass (I have no idea why) and followed a drag queen. He/she stole my whole act. I was totally going to dance like Mamie Van Doren to the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha.” OK, maybe not. Whatever. It went pretty well, but absolutely no one bought that I was supposed to be Dean Martin offstage and I’m fine with that. Dean is super cool, but I look about as Italian as Sammy Davis, Jr. Regardless, I’m pretty sure that Columbus’s millionaires feel better about the fact that they don’t know anyone from Zanesville after my act. Plus, I noticed rich people have the same dumb conversations that I do, but they have a lot of cash, so hot chicks pay attention to 5′ 5″ dudes with horseshoe hair more than me. Blah blah blah, capital investments, blah blah blah, Ohio State sports, blah blah blah, my BMW…alright maybe I don’t have the same conversations other than the OSU sports. I can, however, funnel a beer in under two seconds on a good night. Impressed, fake boobs? Of course you’re not.