Month: March 2011

I recalled a story tonight about my favorite concert moment.  A few years ago, I went to my annual summer trip, Jamboree in the Hills.  It is a four day country music festival that is basically boot camp for alcoholics.  I don’t know most of the musicians that well, but I go w/ my redneck buddies and we drink the whole time.  Kenny Rogers was there once and he proceeded, in front of 50,000 white trash drunks to play The Gambler, his most popular song.  However, he made a judgement error and played the rap version he did w/ Coolio.  The crowd was enraged and began booing.  His response was to berate the crowd and call us the worst audience since Montreal, where no one spoke English.  This did not sit well with me after all day drinking and I began ripping up clods of earth and flinging them at the stage with about a dozen other hilljacks.  He left the stage and I went back to the campsite to restock my beer.  On the way back in, his tour bus was pulling out and I yelled obscenities and hurled Busch Light cans at his bus until security told me stop.  I think Mr. Rogers got the point and I confirmed that yes, I am indeed complete white trash.

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I know I’m not old, but why has my urination pressure dropped?  “Shake it more than once and you’re playing with it!”  I say, “Shake it less than five times, I’m soaked in my own pee.”  Also, my knee hurts.  I used to squat 455 lbs.  I haven’t worked out my legs in two years and my knees crack like a dry twig every time I stand up.  I can’t read my texts w/out reading glasses and I now spend 20 minutes a week looking for back hairs, who are scouts for the advancing ass hair cavalry ready to charge from the southern hinterlands and overwhelm my pristine hairless back.  By the way, I need my reading glasses to see these hairs.  What joys lie ahead?  Bald spots and beer gut?  I will never celebrate another birthday.

The Funny Bone’s open mike was epic tonight.  There is a workshop beforehand where new comics try their material.  A black dude in his 40’s or 50’s introduced himself as “No Money Productions presents Still Gettin’ Paid.”  He then berated all the other comics as rookies and said, “Y’all are crybabies.  I’m a pro.  I practiced this at home.”  (Which is not professional BTW…)  He then after seven minutes announced he was off his meds and was removed by security.  He yelled as he was drug out that this was his chance; his only hope.  An unpaid open mike.  On a Tuesday.  At a mall.  Unfortunately, this did not shock me in any way.  This is comedy.