CHRIS COEN

My wife and I went to a couples breastfeeding class last night.  Yes, I went.  No, I wasn’t expecting to learn how to pump out some milk.  It’s a sad truth that I know nothing about babies other than they cry, shit and drink milk, so I figured it would be good.  Plus I had a show that got me out of there after an hour, so it worked out.

1) Skin to skin contact is good, even for the dad (me).  They showed some shirtless dude holding his kid at the hospital while momma was getting stitched up during a C-section.  I can say I never thought I would be encouraged to remove my shirt indoors.  Maybe one of the nurses can play Marshall Tucker Band or .38 Special and make me really feel like a hillbilly while I strut around sans top.

2) There’s milk in them thar boobs.  I told my wife a couple weeks ago to hit my cereal bowl when we ran out of milk.  She told me no way and I was joking, but it was possible.  I better switch to Pop Tarts or start buying more milk either way.

3) The lady that was yelling at her husband last time we had a class for not reading any of the baby books was back, without her man.  She said she was going back to work soon after the delivery because she couldn’t stand her husband that much, who was working on a car instead of being at breastfeeding class. In fairness, if he won’t read a baby book, he’s sure as hell not going to practice the football cradle with a doll over slamming gold top Busch cans and turning a wrench.

4) Breastfeeding apparently burns up to 1000 calories.  I need to start producing some milk or slow down the sweets and beers.  C’mon milk, where are you?

There was more, but quite frankly one more video showing a baby latching onto a nipple like a tiger shark and I was going to black out.  I never thought I could see boobs for an hour straight and have the same excitement level as looking at a vegan menu.  Oh well, add  this to the list of things my wife has to suffer through that I never will.  Thanks, Y chromosome!

Two things to me that are really overblown in comedy are 1) people fearful that comics will just tee off on the crowd the whole time (almost never happens) and 2) comics worried about how to handle hecklers (probably just as rare).  I think everyone that has never been to comedy club thinks it’s like the scene from Nutty Professor and most new comics think there are shark-like bullies dying to tee off on the first bad joke they hear.  Honestly, having done this for a while, there have been sets I wish someone would have stopped.  The lady that did a bit as Aunt Jemima still makes me cringe.

Of course, it does happen.  This week at my open mic, a comedian was trying a new joke when an angry drunk guy began yelling.  It then devolved into the guy daring the comic to call him an asshole in some odd form of chicken.  Of course, the comic was out of time, so he didn’t really get to finish off the debate.  I don’t know what makes less sense, someone who heckles at a show they pay to attend (dumb) or heckles a free show (also dumb).  The former is idiotic because the asses usually get tossed, so you paid to get booted.  I’ve been thrown out of bars for free.  The latter is stupid because if you don’t care for a comedian, wait five minutes.  That’s how an open mic works.  Even better, write your own jokes, come back next week and show everyone how cool you are.

Of course, the heckler left right off the bat, which is weak, but not as bad as the guy who comes up afterwards and says, “I was helping you out up there!”  Thanks, if I burst into flames, I hope you don’t help by stomping on the flames with metal cleats.  The worst crime though is the person who complains about the show afterwards when almost everyone was laughing because the comedian did a joke about cheese and they work in a cheesery and he/she just can’t abide such a deep and personal affront.  Give me the drunk heckler over the offended police captain who goes to a show hoping to be miserable.

Saturday night I got to do the Columbus Comedy Festival.  It was a great crowd with great comedians; I even sold a DVD after the show, so I’ve met my quota for the year.  Afterwards, I went out for a couple beers.  As I was walking down the street with my bag full of merch, a guy pulled up, turned around in the middle of the street and tried to park next to a fire hydrant.  “Am I cool?”  Not really, I am pretty sure you can’t block fire hydrants like you blocked the entire street doing a u-turn.  “You sure?”  Go ahead, I’m sure it’s fine.  He didn’t believe me.

He then pulled up next to me as I was walking, “Where can I park?”  I’d keep going until I saw an open spot, go down farther.  “Are there spots there?”  I guess so.  “Will I get a ticket?”  I don’t know man, I’m not a meter maid.  He did another turn around and stopped.  “That way?”  Holy shit, man – can you just park?  He finally pulled away.  I think he wanted me to park his car or stand beside it while he went bar hopping.  This whole annoying incident made me realize yet again, I should never talk to strangers.  Someday, someone will legitimately need my help and thanks to this guy, and pretty much everyone who has wasted my time at grocery stores and banks the last 10 years, I will flip them off and go about my day.  YOU DID THIS TO ME, SOCIETY.  YOU!

I run an open mic every Monday at Rehab Tavern in Columbus.  I added a comedy workshop to help the other comics and myself go over material and bounce ideas and questions off each other.  We were just starting when a guy approached everyone, “Hey we just found out about this show.  Do you mind if we record you sets?”  He was nice, but let me tell you why I said no.

1) Every comic has to have a great five minute audition set ready to go.  It’s really tough to record one.  The crowd has to be good, you have to be on, and the recording device has to co-operate.  Having someone you’ve never met, with no camera in sight, means it’s probably going to be a low quality smartphone that will probably do more damage than good.  Trust me, I deleted every video I recorded from the first two years – crappy camera, even worse comedian.

2) I have no idea who this guy is.  What is he going to do with this?  No paperwork means he could hang onto this for eternity and I have no rights or recourse.  Plus, what if they make cash doing this or some other comic loots my material?  Neither is likely, but it’s like when everyone at your office is buying lottery tickets.  Of course you jump in.  You 99.9% won’t win your dollar back, but you’ll be damned if you’ll screw yourself.  I can’t give someone my material for a potential cash cow without a fight.

3) It’s a smaller crowd than say a comedy club, plus a bar is not necessarily built for acoustics.  It would take a miracle to pull off a great set, plus the x factor of I haven’t prepared anything other than some brand new material I’m working out.  In case you were wondering, my new stuff ate it.

In fairness, the guy was asking off the cuff and gave me a card, so I’ll look into it and see if there’s anything there.  Of course, he saw my act, so he probably has already taken the offer off the table.  There goes my chance to be a millionaire again.

I finally watched Fast and Furious.  It’s the most financially successful movie franchise ever made in the history of movie franchises.  So I made myself watch the first one/my wife was sleeping on the remote.

The movie is about street racing.  A bunch of people all hate each other, but yet can work together like worker bees to set up a drag race.  It’s crazy, they all carry guns and $10,000 each, the only people that attend are all genius mechanics or rap video level women.  In the midst of all this, a cop named Brian has to find out who is hijacking trucks.  During the investigation, a gang led by Johnny Tran ride around and shoot things with machine guns.  When the cop busts them, none of his superiors seem to care one iota and they are released instantly.  Of course.

Vin Diesel plays a guy named Dom who never loses a race and talks like every line out of his mouth is destined for a movie trailer.  Dom and Brian don’t like each other, but do some racing, get shot at, make nice, Brian hooks up with his sister, then helps them get out of a pickle while they’re robbing a tractor trailer.  They don’t rob it at a stoplight, they fire a grappling hook into the windshield at 70 mph and climb in.  You know, because street racers have tons of shoulder mounted grappling hooks laying around.

Eventually, Brian tells everyone he’s a cop, but they’re buddies and lets everyone go, because after all, he’s been pals with them for like eight days.  Worst undercover cop of all time.  Yet, because the film has cars with nitrous oxide and ground effects, it’s cool.  Never mind half the racing scenes are impossible to see with the special effects.  That’s the movie and it made tons of cash and almost 10 sequels.  There is no hope for America.

This week a couple of terrorists were killed after they opened fire at an event in Texas.  The event?  A Mohammed cartoon drawing contest.  1) If you’re ballsy enough to host such an event and you’re surprised this occurs, you’re an idiot.  2) It was pretty dumb to hold such an event…but within the rights of free speech.  In other words, if you’re upset about it, artists desecrate Christian symbols and hate groups of all kinds of ignorant are allowed to meet and spread their hateful messages.  Smart?  Nope.  Allowed?  Yep.  3) Not to give pointers to freedom haters, but Texas is probably the last place in America to start firing at civilians.  I think most Texans turn off their lights at night by shooting them out.

On a lighter note (not really), I don’t go all silly in the britches for Star Wars.  It’s fine, I’ve seen them all, had the toys as a kid, but the amount of crappy one-liners Monday (Star Wars day – May the fourth be with you…sigh) was a bit much.  Or so I thought.  Then I saw a couple people comment, post and blog that anyone posting about a movie on the anniversary on the Kent State shootings was a real lump of dump.  One I saw was from someone who wasn’t alive 10 years after the shooting.  I assume this person goes nuts on the anniversary of the Boston Massacre also?  Something serious has probably happened every day, so if this jackass has ever posted anything fun or positive on social media, the offended police should descend upon him like jackals.  More likely is that these people are among those “I’m a good person by acting like I care more about stuff than you” types.  Yuck.  Kent State was an important event in American history, thus the song, documentaries, and books covering it.  If I post a picture of my dog 45 years after the fact, I’m not dancing on someone’s grave.  Get over yourself and get off your computer and do something, if you really care.  Ooooh!  I made a hashtag and posted a status online!  I’m a good person!  Excuse while I vomit in my mouth.