CHRIS COEN

A fairly well circulated story broke this week regarding an interview with Jerry Seinfeld.  He said he wouldn’t do college shows because the current generation is too politically correct.  This follows previous comments along the same vein as Chris Rock and Larry the Cable Guy.  This got a lot of attention, for things that get attention.  Thanks to the internet I’m probably two days behind this already.

A couple things came to mind for me.  1) Larry the Cable Guy’s target demo isn’t college kids, I’ll guess.  2) All three of these guys have enough money where they can do that.  I fully support individual success, but you won’t be hearing me say that anytime soon.  For the right price, I’ll do a set in front of a street mob during a riot.  3) College shows are rough for a multitude of reasons.

The last point requires explanation.  Yes, I do think from the college shows I’ve done (and I’ve done shows for that age group specifically about two dozen times) that a lot of the younger demo is pretty PC.  I’ve done shows where I saw people laugh, then immediately look around, see what other people are doing and go back to robot mode.  That said, hipster bars are pretty much the same.  If anyone goes to a comedy show thinking, “What will everyone think of me during this show?” and they’re a crowd member, it’s going to be a pain in the ass for a comic.

The harder thing for me with that group is that they haven’t had enough life experience to make all your jokes work.  You can toss marriage, kids, any kind of job related humor, or any “getting older” jokes.  Not as easy when your go to’s are the cost of textbooks and social media jokes.  “Hey guys, those books sure are a rip off!  Snapchat!  I mean, how many versions of Macroeconomic Theory can you write?  Instagram!  Thanks for coming, have a good night!”

In summation, it’s tougher than it sounds.  In addition to the points above, did you know most college shows don’t let the performer drink?  WHAT IS THIS ORWELLIAN NIGHTMARE?  FIGHT THE SYSTEM!  WE MUST STAND TOGETHER!  Hey, I just became an annoying college protester!  I relate so well to these kids.

I heard some really bad advice since I started doing stand-up over 8 years ago.  I had one guy tell me all it took to win the crowd over was volume.  Yes, crowds really love to be yelled at over hearing funny material.  Another young open miker told me it was better to make people squirm over making them laugh.  “I love hearing silence, it means I shocked them!”  Get used to silence, then.  You’ll have lots.

In 2008, I got my first chance to work a professionally booked show (I had worked shows set up by other comics, but never a booking agency) and the headliner was Jim Wiggins.  He was in his 60’s, wore all black and had a cane.  He looked like a biker and sounded like his cigarettes smoked cigarettes – his raspy voice was shocking, and I’ve been told I have the deepest voice most people have heard.  He called himself the Last Hippie and he constantly was drinking tequila, but I never saw him look even remotely intoxicated.  Impressive and kind of scary.

I went up and did OK – the crowd was older than I was used to, but I got some laughs.  I then watched him go up and absolutely destroy for almost an hour.  He could have ignored me so he could sell more t-shirts or just ignored me like he should have, but instead he offered advice.  The way he said it wasn’t condescending, he even said I could take it or leave it.  “You don’t look at the front row.  If you can make them laugh, the people in the back will see them and laugh too.”  I realized at that moment I looked over the first rows because it felt weird to stare at people that close.

I worked with him again and he was overly nice, especially for how raw my set was.  He then told me to have fun; it looked like I was too serious onstage.  To this day, it’s probably two of the best pointers I’ve ever received.  That meant he actually watched my set, which I have found out over the years a lot of headliners don’t do, especially for new acts.

I found out he passed away this week.  I’m not going to be a sympathy whore and act like we hung out or talked on the phone every day, but I thought people should know he was not only a funny comic; he really had a great time doing comedy and was a very nice guy.  You can check out his stuff at lasthippie.com.  After doing comedy for three decades, he finally got to perform on the Tonight Show and Last Comic Standing, showing that good things can happen to good people.  RIP Jim and thanks for the help.

I know less about how babies are born than a five year old who thinks a stork is involved.  Actually, I’m lying, I used to know less.  Then I went to birthing class.  That is one way to make you not want to make humans.

First off, they had a lot of charts.  This one showed me that apparently women don’t like it when a baby rips through their nether region.

And to think, I thought it was pleasant as pie.

I learned about mucus plugs, cervical effacement, and water breaking.  Oh, if it’s green, that means baby just dropped a hot deuce!  Fun!  Speaking of that, loose stool is an indicator that the baby is coming soon.  I think I’ve been expecting since 1998, if that’s the case.

The teacher said she wouldn’t keep us too long, she had delivered a lot of babies that day.  “Maybe you’ll deliver one tonight!”  None of the pregnant ladies or the nurse found it as funny as I did.  The humor quickly declined after she started the C section video.  One guy groaned like he just got kicked in the balls.  I’ll bet he’s not going be a good coach.  That’s what they call the non-pregnant person.  A coach.  I need a whistle and a clipboard.  “Hey!  Let’s hustle up with that baby!  I got things to do!”  Then my wife buries a scalpel in my jugular.  Maybe I’ll hold off on the whistle.

My wife and I went downtown over the weekend to hit up 16 bit bar, a bar/arcade full of 80’s and 90’s video games.  Alcohol and video games, these are a few of my favorite things.  Little did we know the real fun was outside.

As we approached the establishment, a guy was holding a python in his hand.  No sign, booth or indication of any purpose behind the reptile, just a weirdo holding a constrictor.  Some pink haired girl with a lot of ink was talking to him (in other words, she looked like the type of girl that would be talking to guy holding a snake).  Suddenly, the snake began vomiting on the sidewalk.  I wasn’t sure it was puke until I saw the grey fur and mouse tail.  In case you were wondering, snake regurgitation smells just as awful as people’s.  Not that you were wondering.  The girl backed away, stunned.  The guy just stood there and looked at his snake, like it was his fault.

The problem I had with all this wasn’t that he had a snake, it was that he had a snake just walking around the street.  It clearly wasn’t good for the general public (I have heard some people aren’t fond of them) and the animal clearly wasn’t enjoying its experience.  Plus some poor asshole had a clean up snake puke.  Usually the worst thing that happens at work is you forget to take out your trash after you toss some lunch meat in there.  “How was work honey?”  Oh, not bad, other than the fact I was working Sunday and had to scoop up a half digested rodent while some psycho was slow dancing with a wild animal.  It smelled exactly as awful as it sounds.

There is no need to put spoiler alert on this movie, it’s about a futuristic wasteland where Mad Max fights maniacs at high speeds.  If you watch the previews, you can probably piece together about 60% of the movie.  That said, it’s fantastic.

Here is the recap.  A warlord type enslaves people because he controls water.  Some try to escape…in a heavily armored semi full of guns.  Mad Max gets involved.  A bunch of modified cars chase them.  Dozens and dozens of people die violent deaths.  Movie ends.  I think I used about four brain cells.  Take that, indie movie!  “You see, the teapot represents her first menstrual cycle.”  Hmm, I see.  What’s this other movie? Mad Max, you say?  (Explosions, guns, car crashes, fistfights)  I’ll take movie #2.

Women are better than a lot of things than men.  For example, if men got pregnant, every baby would be born with cirrhosis.  They are also really good at organizing social events called showers.  If men had showers, there would be no presents given, just cash and possibly a cigar or bottle of liquor.  Probably not much help with junior.  At least not until he’s five or six anyways.

One of the surprises for me is that I actually got some shower gifts too!  (For the baby, but you can tell they weren’t for my wife.)  Here’s a taste of what I/Baby Coen got.

All this stuff from my family is really cool, but it made me realize unless I want an overly patriotic, beer drinking football fan who likes comics, I should let my wife take over most of the clothes and gifts.