CHRIS COEN

Lawrence Taylor just got out of jail time for getting caught with a 16 year old hooker.  Lindsay Lohan has violated probation and never served full jail time.  This list could go on for days.  When I was 19, I got a disorderly conduct for driving through high water.  I was once arrested while asleep.  In a bed.  At six in the morning.  I even was ticketed once for my buddy getting pulled over in my car.  I wasn’t driving.  Basically, my point is that I need to get famous.  Then I can pull a Big Ernie McCracken and buy my way out of anything.  My goal in life is to be wealthy enough to be able to pee in my yard and not be harrassed.  I set the bar high.

I have a nice group of people coming to see me perform soon.  No complaints…except these.  I was asked at least a dozen times in the last week what time the show started and if they should get tickets.  I also was asked what the drink policy was, how old you had to be to get in, if they had food, what was the reservation policy, what time was I on, would they all be able to sit together…meanwhile, the club has a website with all that info, plus a listed phone number and one guy even had a flyer from the club.  I can’t imagine this happens to musicians.  “Hey, Lady Gaga, it’s Chris Coen.  I was thinking about swinging by your show (this would never happen, but I heard you kids liked Lady Gaga).  What time does it start?  How much is bottled water?  Can I sneak in booze?  Who’s opening for you?  Ooh, I don’t like fill in the blank…what time are you going on?  Should I get tickets beforehand?  Have you ever sold out a show?  Hello?  Hello?  What a bitch!”  I’m a comedian, not a club owner, folks.  Plus you all have iPhones, internet access at work, and two minutes to reserve online or on the phone.  Oh yes, I almost forgot – thanks for coming.

I went to an open mike/showcase w/ Anthony O’Connell in Youngstown last night.  The speaker actually threw sparks, much like Goldberg or Golddust’s wrestling entrance right out of the gates.  Then the first comic sang “Old Man River” and blew something out (on the sound equipment, not from his person).  Flustered, he began to dance on a seven foot stage w/ two guys trying to salvage the speaker.  Off to a hot start!  Another comic berated the crowd for not laughing at his material.  This logic escapes me.  “Hmmm.  They seem to not care for my material.  I know how I’ll win them back – insults!”  Another comic was distracted by two women in pajamas walking in the bar to pick up wings.  It was 9 pm.  If you’re getting ready for bed, hot wings are not the correct food, so I like to think they had indeed spent the entire day in said pajamas.  Sounds like two ladies just got dumped!  Finally I got to go on and did well enough to delight the crowd with my hilljackery and public indecency jokes and may get future work out of it, which is ironic, b/c I single handedly had one of the least productive days of my life.

I went to a show last night in Massillon and they somehow found my first picture to use for the flyer.  It’s a ridiculous picture of me smoking a cigarette wearing a shirt that says “I shaved my balls for this?”  I am such a mega douche it chills my soul.  Rule #1 of comedy – don’t wear a funny t-shirt onstage.  Rule #2 – Don’t wear a funny t-shirt in your headshot.  I drank with my buddy Anthony O’Connell one night and we watched clips from our first paid shows and it was so embarrassing I deleted the clips from my computer.  I drank six beers in a 20 minute set and was so nervous my hands were shaking.  I literally have only one joke from that set I still do.  I did have a funny exchange about a spankerchief and this 14 year kid sitting with his mom covered his face in shame.  Unfortunately, the joke sucked.  Ah bombing, the staple of a new comic’s diet.

Massillon tonight w/ Troy Hammond and Chili Chalis, Youngstown tomorrow on a showcase show w/ God only knows who, me and Anthony O’Connell.  Details on the right side of your screen.  In other news, Japan is still in bad shape and Obama picked the UConn women’s team to win his NCAA bracket.  See what you missed?  Nothing.  Come on out.

Annoying.  If something offends you, then everything does, hippie.  I lost three FB friends bc I posted about DUI’s.  I have personal experience with this topic, yet somehow I’m a dick for bringing it up.  “I love your posts about (blank), but God forbid you talk about (blank).”  If you feel this way, you suck.  Selectivity is a sign of ignorance and intolerance.