CHRIS COEN

Shut up Coca-Cola.  I HATE working in groups.  I am impatient and have no tolerance for wasted time.  A+B=C.  I have been president of at least seven groups/organizations and am currently president of my condo association…mostly b/c I didn’t attend the meeting and they snookered me into it.  I run the meetings like a despot.  “There’s a bird nest in my vent.”  Put an M80 in there.  I’m not hiring a groundskeeper at $35/hour.  “There’s air coming out of my outlet.”  Does your power still work?  “Yes.”  Here’s how you fix it.  Duct tape a tube to your exhaust pipe.  Put the other end through your barely cracked window.  Run car in garage.  Sleep.  “When is pool opening?”  Next Saturday.  15 minutes later…”When does the pool open?”  Crawl in the bottom.  We’ll fill it with water.  When you float to the top – PARTY TIME!  I am the greatest condo president ever.

Another year of softball, another year I say – “We should pitch in and buy a $400 bat like the other teams.”  Then I realize I don’t care that much.  My team played the Walmart crew last night.  I thought everyone at Wal Mart was 80 years old, but in these guys’ case, descendants of the Vikings on the 13th Warrior.  Or they chop wood all day for fun.  Their bats were blasting everything at rocket speed.  I have a softball imprint in my forearm…from their eight hitter.  I also realized I am not Latino.  I made a great snag running hard to my left and tossed to first on run.  The ball missed my first baseman by at least six feet to the right, unlike the multitudes of agile Dominican second basemen that appear on SportsCenter each night.  The only case where good equipment = suck is the guy with the custom pool cue and glove you see at the bar.  I’m not even that great at pool, but I have never lost to that douchebag.  Buying a cape doesn’t make you Batman, learn to shoot pool, then buy the custom Budweiser cuestick.

New type of show for me next Monday @ Wild Goose Creative 9 pm.  Will be hosting a sketch comedy and live music show in Columbus.  I never did much with sketch, although I wrote a sketch series called “Middle America” that I don’t have the tech knowledge or props to record.  Anyhoo, there will be live sketches, recorded shorts, and a ton of diverse sets, plus live music.  Come check it out, only $5.  As a preview, these topics will be hit upon – Jim Tressel, Puerto Rican politics, inappropriate job interviews, and two songs from my Jamboree days; “Old Stinky” and “Give Unto Others”.  Plus special appearances from local Columbus talent and the late Ty Cobb.  See you there, Columbus.

Jim Tressel resigns from OSU b/c he lied to the NCAA about having knowledge of his players selling stuff for tattoos.  Bad move, don’t lie to the NCAA.  However the root rule is maddening.  NCAA rules prevent players from holding jobs and apparently, they can’t sell their stuff.  I know a guy that played D-I football.  He has more shirts, shorts, collectibles, etc. than anyone I’ve ever met.  Add to that gold jewelry, Playstations and iPods from bowl game gift bags, and God knows what other goodies.  Oh by the way, boys.  Don’t sell any of it.  Oh you already have an iPod and this one will be obsolete by the time you graduate?  That sucks.  This would be like if I gavea homeless guy a case of 40’s and told him not to trade any for money or food.  Why give him anything in the first place if I’m going to make a bunch of rules?  I played D-III football.  The NCAA mandated no athletic scholarship, but players got these magical “grants” for academics when I know a couple of them couldn’t finish a three hour car ride w/out wetting themselves.  The NCAA picks and chooses its targets.

I did a cancer benefit show Saturday and it couldn’t have had more distractions.  First off, it was outside at a bar on a river on the first rain free day in three weeks and only about 25 of the 50 people were even aware there was a benefit.  The hostess of the event had to wave down everyone that walked in, Harleys rumbled by every two minutes, and to top it off, a boat w/ a bachelorette party floated in.  A drunk bachelorette party is the bane of a comedian.  LOOK AT US WE’RE PARTYING WOOO HOOO I LOVE TEQUILA MY FRIEND IS AWESOME AND PRETTY AND SO MUCH FUN SHE IS GOING TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE!  As an added bonus, I graduated high school w/ the bride to be, so she had a conversation “onstage” w/ me (there was no stage).  Then one of guys started pissing in the river about 20 feet to my right.  I called him out, then he got upset that I called him out.  Turns out I knew that guy also.  I have got to quit going to Zanesville.  Finally, I promoted the jello shots, which raised $ for the benefit for the woman with cancer.  Me: “Buy jello shots unless you love cancer or hate her mom.”  Daughter: “My mom’s dead.”  Me: “That would have good to know before the show.  This is awkward.”  The only thing missing was Seal Team Six bursting in and shooting bin Laden during my drunk driving joke.

With the death of Macho Man, I have thought a lot about wrestling.  For me, pro wrestling went from infatuation at a young age to denial when I was told it was fake.  Rejection followed, then finally acceptance that it was corny and awful and fantastically simple.  That’s when you can enjoy it.  I was in HS when the WCW and WWF (later WWE) erupted into a ratings war (pre-DVR).  Wrestlers jumped sides every other day, DX taught a whole generation to say “Two tears in a bucket – SUCK IT!”, and Ric Flair flopped in the ring and in marriage.  In college we used to bet on pay per views and I won religiously.  My secret?  I found out who won the previous match and picked the opposite.  This secret knowledge may turn the underground pay per view gambling scene upside down.

My favorite, though, were the video games.  There was nothing better than creating a character on N64 and going for the title.  My alter ego, the Patriot, had some classic battles against J. Billy Camplins (Camp) and FCT, the Fat Chick Thrilla (Stottsberry) and his damn Bill Cosby sweater.  Occassionally, we would get so hammered, we let the computer simulate a triple threat and we hoped a timely finisher would net the title.  I also joined a text based internet wrestling group where the best plots were published weekly after simulated matches (all text based).  My best plot was when a guy trashed me on a post, I wrote that cops found kiddie porn in his locker and he was arrested.  Upon arriving at the station, he was met with a devastating Patriot Missle.  The commissioner posted it and my rival threatened my life.  Whatever, kid toucher.  Don’t mess with the Patriot!