CHRIS COEN

Another year in the books, as they say (no one says that).  The worst thing about getting older is the gifts.  As a kid, you get toys, video games, candy and maybe once, some lame ass gets you something practical, for which you shun them until the next year.  It’s like the old lady that passed out pennies on trick or treat.  Someone wants toilet papered tonight!

Sadly, you get more and more practical gifts the older you get.  Even more sadly, you need them.  Here’s a blanket!  “Actually, I needed one to match the couch…NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  I’m boring!!!  It’s over.”  My favorite gift?  Money.  Why?  You can’t screw it up.  Straight cash, homey.  Plus, you can’t put vagina in a box, am I right?  (Gunshot)  I will also take a winning powerball ticket.  You would never hear from my happy ass again, except when Coen Brewing Company came out.  The factory would look like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory meets a Disturbed album cover.

I went to a hockey game, well, at least in theory.  I just ate the whole time.  It was free food night for season ticket holder and my buddy got me a ticket.  I barely ate all day, so when I got there, I downed $15 worth of food.  For those who have never been to a pro sports event, that means I had $6.50 worth of value.  The breadsticks were awful and the pizza was acceptable, if not OK.  Congrats, food eaten.  Oh, but it didn’t stop there.

My other “pal” decided to find the most expensive food, which I did.  We all four got steak sandwiches with fries (normally $12.50).  I didn’t even want it, but I got it b/c hell if I’m a pussy.  I ate the very dry steak surrounded my a pound of bread and the fries.  Yes, I did it!  Now I will feel like shit the WHOLE night, not just for an hour.  Fast forward to midnight when I’m hovering over the bowl with gastric acid and marinara sauce pouring from my gut.  Thanks ego!  See you tomorrow, toilet, for the follow up performance!

I hate red carpet events, but they have their place.  If you have ovaries, then for some reason you love them.  I have none, therefore I couldn’t care less.  Even worse is when they spread like a plague.  I just witnessed last week the ESPN college football “red carpet”.  They had all the stars, like a punter from UCLA or some school.  Is there some groundswell for punter interviews?  Yes, Erin Andrews is hot.  Yes, I like football.  No, I don’t give a shit about the Ray Guy award winner.  I’ve met one.  He pulled my winning ticket at a contest at the Buckeye Hall of Fame Cafe (RIP).  Thanks to Andy Groom, I own a 16 lb. Ohio State bowling ball.  Thanks to lack of talent, I still can’t bowl worth a damn.  Stick to sports, ESPN.

I was perusing Facebook the other day and noticed an unusually high amount of crazed ranting.  Here are a few types I observed:

– The angry over-curser.  This is the person, yes even parents, that have to use “fuck” in every post.  Example – “My kids drive me fucking nuts!  No wonder I drink every fucking day!”  People like this either forget, or don’t care, that this is going up for the world (or your 22 friends) to see.  Might not want to toss stuff like that out there.  I’m not against cursing, it just ups the white trash level about 200%.

– The “stay out of my business, even though I am putting my business on a social networking page” person.  I am from Appalachia.  I see a lot of this.  Whatever happened to just confronting the person who is “in your business” instead of getting the entire world wondering just what your business is?

– The “am I going to kill myself?  No, I’m just a needy ass!” person.  These are people who put up horrifying confessions of crippling depression online.  Everyone is freaking out…until you realize they do it every other post.  Facebook is not a diary.  At least cutters do it in the privacy of their own bedroom.

All this said, I love watching things like this, because I can use the material.  Keep it up, crazies!

I went to work out Wednesday at my condo clubhouse.  I realized someone was inside, turns out it was a 10 year girl watching “Kim and Kourtney whore around New York” or whatever.  Who lets/makes their girl go to the gym to watch TV?  More importantly, who lets their kid watch these boorish whorebags?  Read a book, set yourself on fire, do something somewhat productive.

The bad thing was that it was BLARING.  Even my podcast at max could not block out the invading evil force of Kardashian blather.  Here’s what I observed at half attention:  Kim is really pretty, but she’s one bad week away from having three asses and she’s seen more dicks than a shopping mall urinal.  The more ugly short one is who kares?  (She what I did with the K?  I’m a comic!)  The other one should be shot with a tranq and tagged before being released back into the wild.  There was another who had a kid, but was skinny.  She was better looking, but had one of those upper lips that looked like a mustache was fighting for control.  Then there were asexual dudes they kept around, but who kares?  (I did it again!)

It, and the fact I wanted to cut a lovely rose (fart) when running that I had to suppress because even I won’t cropdust a 10 year old, ruined my whole workout.  Why do people watch this drivel?  At least Kim didn’t fake her whole wedding…oh wait, she realized her husband didn’t have seven cocks and it didn’t work out for her.

Jerry Sandusky arrested again?  How in the hell did he get out the first time?  Can we get the ball rolling on this (alleged) creep?  I’ve had my fill of pedophile stories this month.

Former Miss USA pulled over for DUI.  Either justice is blind (probably not), the cop was gay (dear Lord she is smoking hot), or this beautiful idiot had seven children stuck in the grill of her car to get pulled over.  I know so many chicks that have gotten out of tickets, I could almost write a blog about it.  Wait a minute…

Now our president is Teddy Roosevelt, according to a story I read today.  Why do people love to do this?  Such and such an actress is Marilyn Monroe…why, did she bang the president and OD?  This quarterback is the next Joe Montana…why, because he plays in a West Coast offense?  Just compare the person to themselves, please.

Europe is collapsing.  Good – start selling medieval weapons and armor cheap.  I could use a nice morning star for home defense in case my Glock jams.  Unfortunately, we’ll be selling our souls to China in ten years, so I guess we shouldn’t gloat.