CHRIS COEN

Strange title?  Perhaps, but I am doing a rarity this Tuesday – a benefit show for a person I’ve actually met.  My pal, fellow comedian Bob Cook, is having a fund raiser to gather some coins for gastric bypass surgery tomorrow at the Columbus Funny Bone (columbusfunnybone.com).  Probably to lose weight, but knowing Bob, perhaps to shrink his stomach enough to get crocked on two beers.

Usually benefit shows are pretty strange in that as a comic, they sometimes don’t tell you all the details…or you’re not paying attention since they are being done for free.  Once I showed up to a cancer benny (that’s what us stars call benefits) and found out that kids were present.  As in five and six year old range.  That was a lovely mad scramble to come up with jokes in about ten minutes that wouldn’t scar children for life.

I think my favorite was the show where I realized a “signer” was onstage with me.  I spent the whole week dreaming up vile and disgusting things I wanted to see someone have to sign out as my devil horns popped out in pure evil ecstasy.  Then I got there and they told me nothing too dirty or cursing.  I died a little that night.  I still managed to tell the signer onstage she was a lucky woman and not to take credit for my jokes with all the deaf people.  She was a pro – she signed away, but I could feel the hate in her stare.  I had fun.

I, through multiple high school parties with no women, plus a long run of fraternity down time, with a healthy dose of dice, cards and drinking, may know more drinking games than anyone on earth.  Other than speed quarters – I am missing the gene that enables a person to put a quarter into a shot glass – I am sadly pretty good at them too.  On of my favorites is a knock off Jenga game called Jumbling Towers.  It was $20 cheaper, but you may get a few splinters…the Bangladeshi sweat shop were it was made did not file it down.

What makes the game tee hee fun is that each piece has a hand written drinking game rule.  It has fun ones like “Finish Beer”, “Say I am a child molester” and “Insult everyone at the table”.  That last one is my personal favorite.  It’s fun, but also degrading!  Then my girlfriend took it to a girl’s retreat and they added to it…

I got the game back and it now says something on the other side of the pieces.  Examples – “You must motivate everyone as they pull their pieces!”, “Kiss the person to your left” (that one will go great with the boys), “Shimmy!” (I don’t know how to shimmy), and “Would you rather be a giant hamster or a tiny elephant?”  That last one sounds more like a pot smoking game question than a drinking game question.  Well great, now my cool game is all nice and friendly…to your face, then it talks shit behind your back about what a bitch you are and tries to steal your boyfriend.

In fairness, they also added “Give a banana a BJ” and “Select one article of clothing off someone.”  Maybe this new version isn’t so bad.  Oh wait, I just remembered it’s mostly guys playing my Jumbling Towers.  Yep, it’s ruined.

The big social topic this week was the coming out of Jason Collins – the first active player from one the big four sports to come out.  Ex-players have come out a lot of times, but never a current player.  It got a lot of people talking.  Sadly, it also got a lot of people talking about talking and then takes away from the moment.  Oh my God, what does Honey Boo Boo’s mom think about it this historic moment?  Quick, everyone get on Twitter!

Stupid politicians, sports analysts, current players’ tweets, actors and who gives a shit else all chime in.  The media cycle reacts, then everyone reacts to people reacting and then we all forget about the fact something happened in the first place to start the cyclone of bullshit.  In fact, if you ever want to be annoyed, read any story on any website.  Take a deep breath, then scroll down and watch how every internet bully and moron immediately ties a story about pudding into religion/anti-religion or political issues.  My advice?  Don’t be too excited about Jason coming out either way – he still plays for the Washington Wizards.  That is the true sad part of this whole saga.  That team stinks.

In a permanent effort to expand my horizons/Redbox had this or Parental Guidance, I watched Les Miserables last weekend.  If you are reading this blog, chances are you’ve either seen it, or never will, thus I don’t worry about ruining anything.  On a side note, if you watched it because you want to be known as someone who watched a musical, you’re probably a pretentious ass.

The movie opens with a dude who is being harassed by another dude for stealing a loaf of bread for a hungry child…and he does nearly two decades?  Holy shit, I don’t want to hear any poor people bitch in America.  Our welfare recipients have an OBESITY problem.  That’s how awesome America is.  Our poor are overfed.  Well, not with nutrients, but vitamins and minerals are for bodybuilders and pussies.  USA!  USA!  Give me double cheeseburgers for $1.49 any day.

Then he gets out and this woman lives the worst life ever and dies.  God, this movie is depressing.  They can sing, but I’m all sad now.  At least her kids will be cared for.  Is that Borat?  Yep, it sure is.  Hey look, Russell Crowe is being a dick again.  He’s almost as much as dick in this movie as he is in real life punching drunks.  Some girl dies again, with a love that is not returned.  Some people get shot, Russell is even more of an asshole…then I fell asleep.  I guess more people died and somehow I’m supposed to be happy at the end.

The movie was well done, the scenery and background was top notch.  The singing was good.  That said, I haven’t seen a movie this sad since Old Yeller or Kids.  Who in the blue hell thought Old Yeller was a great kids movie?  I saw it when I was seven.  I cried for two days on that one.  Here, young Chris, watch a similar young boy have to put a bullet in the dog that saved his life like three or four times.  I think Joseph McCarthy made schoolkids watch this movie in the 50’s to make sure any commies didn’t leak out of the education system.

Thanks to Jesse and the staff at Columbus Alive for the article – comedians love two things over all else.  Attention and free stuff.  Free attention is even better.  Here’s the interview with my fellow funsters Justin Golak and Laura Sanders.

http://www.columbusalive.com/content/stories/2013/04/25/comedy-preview-columbus-comedy-vets-discuss-local-scene-ahead-of-comedy-festival.html

It’s basically an article about the local comedy scene and some other nonsense, like post show interactions, one of my favorite parts of comedy.  Oh and don’t forget, Columbus – see me tonight at 8 pm.  www.wildgoosecreative.com

By 2018, the singing reality contest shows will have run out of legit music stars of today, ex-Mouseketeers and slutty divas.  American Idol will feature either Milli or Vanilli, a roadie from Winger’s 1990 World Tour, the dead body of Tupac and a Casio keyboard.

In an effort to recreate the success violent shows like the Sopranos, Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, FX will create a show where a key character is killed every 47 seconds.  The plot revolves around hiding bodies and the ensuing argument leads to another shooting.  Repeat.  It will be the most popular show ever made.

Thanks to hormones in food, almost every man will grow breasts and a good percentage of women internal testicles, throwing the gay marriage debate into turmoil when no one is sure what gender anyone is.  The food, however, is still delicious.