My mother-in-law called me at work yesterday and let me know my wife had accidentally locked her keys and phone in her Jeep at the zoo, with my daughter and her stuck outside. I realized it would take me an hour to get to the house and up to the zoo, so it struck me like a bolt of lightning. We have car care service! That’s where it went downhill.
I pulled the card out – it was my wife’s from 2015, not in my name. I realized I never got a card. Oh well, we’ll figure it out. “Are you experiencing a life threatening emergency?” No, but I may be if my wife doesn’t get in her car soon. “Your membership is expired.” OK, I don’t remember getting a renewal, but I’ll renew now. “You can’t get service if you’re not a member.” Yes, I got it, that’s why I’ll renew now. “We sent you seven renewal forms since January.” Actually, you didn’t. I check the mail every day. No matter what, let’s go ahead and renew, thanks. “You aren’t current.” OK I GOT IT. I’LL GIVE YOU A CREDIT CARD NOW. “Hold please.”
9 minutes later I hung up and called back, now somewhere between angry hornet nest and hippo in fight for leader of the pack anger levels. “I can renew you.” Oh thank you Jesus, someone who is competent. Three minutes later, “Now I’ll transfer you roadside assistance.” “Hello, are you safe.” Yes. “Your membership isn’t current.” Actually, yes it is. I just paid $151 and was transferred over to you from the person I paid. “You didn’t pay the ERS fee.” I don’t know what that is, I just need a person to come out and get my wife and daughter in the car. “I can’t do that without the ERS fee; the last rep should have told you about it.” Now I’m at Hulk smashing a city/just stepped on a pile of Legos in bare feet angry. I DON’T CARE WHAT THE ERS FEE IS I’LL FUCKING PAY IT. IS IT ONE BUCK? IS IT TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS? I’LL PAY IT IF YOU GET SOMEONE TO HELP GET MY DAMN FAMILY IN THEIR VEHICLE. (Two thousand is a little over my skis for car service, but I was rather annoyed.) “Oh is your daughter in the car?” IF SHE WAS I’D HAVE THE WINDOWS SMASHED IN, NOT CALL YOU PEOPLE FOR HELP. I JUST GAVE YOU $151, NOW GET SOMEONE’S ASS MOVING TO THE ZOO! “I’m sorry, calm down sir. We’ll help your family. I’ll waive the ERS fee. We’ll put you as a priority call and get someone there as fast as we can!” THANKS. (Breathes heavily like a mental patient for 10 seconds) GREAT.
Then they got there in 12 minutes, got them in the car in less than one minute. Apparently the company’s vision statement is, “Rather than help the customer, keep reminding them over and over and over that their membership is three months out of service until they spasmodically scream curse words at us out of pure rage. Instead of getting their money and getting them secured for the future, make sure to push them to their mental capacity for civility – why bother getting a membership renewal, when you can torment them like a cat plays with a mouse? Oh and when they nearly threaten to drive over to our corporate office and carve holes in people, give them superior service at the last minute to leave a good taste in their mouths! Everyone wins!”