Here’s my take on our overrated and underrated America traditions.
Overrated:
Fireworks. America didn’t defeat the British, or anyone, with Roman candles and black snakes. The Star Spangled Banner is about the British rockets and bombs, not ours. I appreciate the patriotism until my kid wakes up or all the times my dog had a stroke because some neighbor of mine who’s parents were too closely related decides to pound fourteen Beast Ices and blow a finger off. Actually, don’t care about your finger; don’t wake my kid up.
Hot dogs. Bratwurst is better. Burgers are better. It’s pig lips and buttholes. The only worse meats are liver and whatever they made people eat on Fear Factor.
Underrated:
Independence Day. Everyone calls it the Fourth of July; it’s Independence Day. No one calls Christmas the 25th of December. No one calls Easter whatever in the hell day it is – what’s the deal with that too, while we’re at it? Pick a day. Stupid changing holiday. I didn’t get a day off work for a calendar number, I got it because we told a mentally ill king to stuff his powdered wig up his crazy ass! USA! USA! USA!
Dr. Joseph Warren. Look him up – probably would have been at least a VP. Ordered the attack on Fort Ticonderoga that got the cannons to fight and expel the British at Boston. Sent Paul Revere off to warn the minutemen. Stood at Bunker Hill and wouldn’t retreat; had volunteered to fight in the most dangerous area of battle. British hated him so much they mutilated his body after he was killed. Known by less Americans today than the cast of Teen Mom. Come on, America.
Budweiser America cans. I thought Bud was alright, then they came out with their America cans. Nothing fills you full of patriotism like hammering down 12 cold tall boys of freedom juice and yelling obscenities at your neighbors while shirtless. DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, THIS IS AMERICA YOU DAMN COMMIE! “I didn’t even say anything, sir. Please stop yelling!” SHUT UP IS RIGHT FREEDOM HATER!