For about 12 years of my post college life, thanks to condo/apartment security doors and/or smart parents, I never had trick or treaters. Now I do and I have been missing out. This is a taste of last night’s Halloween fun.
I decided to put on a Captain America hoodie, because it’s easy and who doesn’t love Cap? Hitler, that’s who. Are you Hitler? Didn’t think so. Girl, snobby and loud – “You should be wearing a Human Torch costume too, because the same actor played both.” Me – “I didn’t have time to set myself on fire, so this is what you get.”
Girl, dressed like a grim reaper – “I want all this candy!” Me – “You should have dressed like a politician.” She stared blankly at me.
Girl, dressed like a princess – “You are red, white and blue, like America Cool!” Me – “Are you my daughter?” I actually said, yes I sure am. She then said, “I’ll only take two, I have too much candy.” This kid is either perfect or a commie spy. I’ll have to watch this one.
Girl, dressed like a zombie – “You should be giving away Captain America shields, not candy!” Me – “Well, I don’t have any of those, do you want the candy?” Girl – “I guess.” Sorry to let you down.
I saved my worst venom for the 14 year old dickbags who were barely dressed up. Teen boy – “We are in a hurry, we want all the candy.” (Buddy says YEAH!) Me – “I can tell, your costumes stink. You only get one piece of candy for the effort.” I’ll probably regret it when they egg my house.
I was about to cancel it after that, then a kid with severe medical issues was walking up my driveway. His arms and legs were bent and he could barely hold the plastic jack o lantern. He stood at my step and paused. His mom yelled from the street, “Can you make it up there?” “No, I don’t think so.” Me – “Don’t worry kid, I’ll come over. You can take as much as you want.” Him – “I only need one.” He grabbed one piece and hobbled back down the driveway. I felt a little flood of human emotion like the Grinch on Christmas. Quickly, get those 14 year olds back over here to piss me off before I turn into a nice person. Happy Halloween, kid. Come back next year.