I watched the Sons of Liberty series this past week. It was entertaining, but I noticed it wasn’t exactly right out of the history books. Example – the Boston Massacre happened over three years before the Boston Tea Party, but on the show, they’re right on top of each other. I understand it’s a show, so I’m OK with it, but it made me want to write a version of the events.
Boston, BA (Before Awesome aka Before America). Some British redcoat barges into the Green Dragon Tavern. “You Yankees are drinking tea now and paying a bunch of taxes!” Sam Adams smashes a bottle over his head. “Not in my soon to be America you British son of a bitch!” The British crack down and try to collect more taxes. Joseph Warren rips his shirt off and ninja fights 240 lobsterbacks while Guns N Roses blares in the background. Things are looking rough until Paul Revere and John Wayne ride in on Harleys and gun down a battalion of Hessians, who are actually Nazis from the future. Hitler swears revenge and jumps back into his time machine, narrowly escaping.
George Washington then reforges his Valerian Steel sword and beheads the reanimated corpse of Edward Longshanks at the Battle of Yorktown. As the soul of Longshanks is sucked down to Hell, George flips a cigarette butt into the vortex and says, “Freedom isn’t free, but asskickings are!” More Guns N Roses (not Chinese Democracy GNR, more like Use Your Illusion GNR). He and future Vice President Stone Cold Steve Austin hop in Grave Digger and ride off into the sunset. I should have been a history teacher.