I was scrolling along Facebook one day, minding my own business, being bombarded with ads and for some reason reels of women badly dancing in Tik Tok vidoes (why, Zuckerberg, why, did you add that) and I saw a 3000 push up challenge to raise money for St. Jude Hospital. For those in a plastic bubble, they are a well known hospital that deals with children facing severe medical issues. Why not? I already do 120 push-ups a day – not to brag, trust me, you can’t tell – but I hate when kids are sick. So I clicked the button.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret raising one dollar to help some sick kids or medical research but HOLY HELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. My feed immediately was filled with middle aged dudes with their shirts off doing push-ups. I thought that was bad but the rest was worse. Every five minutes someone posts in the group “Well, I’m really struggling today. Not sure if I will hit the goal.” NO ONE CARES IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THE DAMN PUSH-UPS, JERRY. Seriously, your shoulder hurts, that’s awful, but it’s not like Timmy will say no to a new kidney because you missed the target by 124 reps. “Well, I really wanted off dialysis, but Steve from Gatlinburg is a huge bitch and I just can’t accept that.”
OH IT GETS WORSE. Then people are posting selfies relentlessly. It’s not your Instagram, you a-hole. It’s a fundraiser. Posting in the fundraiser group is for attention, you’re not helping anyone. It’s a like a comedian asking other comics to buy tickets to their show. Also, to the guy who said he lost 15 pounds in a week doing push-ups, you are either lying or you lost a leg.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! As bad as all this is, I keep my mouth shut (by mouth, I mean fingers typing) because as annoying as these weirdos are, at least they’re raising money for ill kiddos. You think it would pass over, but there’s a small group of other people in the fundraisers calling everyone out. Yes, they are full of themselves, but should you actually trash someone in a fundraiser group? No, you do it anonymously in a comedy blog, like a real adult. So here’s what happens, someone posts a shirtless video saying they did 200 pushups without stopping (no you didn’t), then Harold comes in and calls them out (seriously?) and then they have to respond and next thing you know, there are two grown adults fighting IN A DAMN CHARITY FUNDRAISER. NO ONE CARES JUST GET SOME BUCKS AND SHUT YOUR HOLE (figuratively)!
“Why don’t you turn off the comments, Chris?” Because I can’t quit watching cars crash, OK? I must see these posts and be annoyed.