Now that the headline grabbed your attention, can we stop declaring wars on things that aren’t wars? War on Christmas, war on women, war on families, war on Lhasa Apsos, I can’t keep them all straight. I heard the war on the environment brought up last week. How do you fight the environment? Missiles? Flanking maneuvers? I give up. That said, if we are doing wars on Christmas, here’s the parts we need to beef up defense spending on.
Buying for anyone over 35. Let’s face it, if you’re over a certain age, you can buy whatever you want, at least within reason. Sorry, helicopters are out of my budget, second cousin. I remember getting my dad things as a kid only to find them six months later in the package still. Rather than do this dance, tell me what bottle of liquor you want or you’re getting a gift card. Is it really a thoughtful gesture when you have to ask the person what they need from you? NOPE, BOURBON, VODKA OR HERE COMES THE APPLEBEES CARD BRUH.
Glitter on Christmas decorations. Or anything really. Glitter is the BO of decorative material, you can’t make it go away if you are within a mile of it. I know, I have a daughter. If you even look at glitter, it screams and explodes, making everything shiny for the next seven years, no matter how much you vacuum.
Elf on a Shelf. I can’t remember where my wallet is in the morning. I’m not moving around some $2 toy every day for a month. Kiss my ass, you spindly armed menace.
Christmas music “remakes”. Bing Crosby, Andy Williams or Nat King Cole did it? Buzz off, Taylor Swift or Nick Jonas. I don’t need to hear Green Day singing a pop punk Frosty the Snowman. Also, on this topic, don’t be the complaining about Christmas music person when you literally listen the same pop music station 11 months a year. They play a Dua Lipa every hour on the hour and you’re going to bitch you heard Silent Night twice in a week? You stink.
That’s it for now, but it’s early and I’m sure I’ll have more. LET THE WAR BEGIN!