Last week I traveled to Pennsylvania for work and had a reminder why traveling all the time sucks. I have driven to Savannah, Georgia, Minnesota, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the far side of Maryland for comedy. Michigan was the worst; it was late December and I drove from one end to the other. The road was so white, I couldn’t see the edge lines, so I followed the tire tracks which were dead center. There were more shuttered gas stations than open ones and every time a truck passed me I had no idea if I was going to run off the road.
Last week, not so bad, but there were some things that gave me the flashbacks and not the good ones. I drove within about ten miles of my first stop and the road was shut down. I had to detour 30 miles out of the way. This happened once in comedy where I took a shortcut in Southern Ohio right into a town parade. I sat for an hour so a firetruck and five tractors pulling wagons could drive two miles through this town.
Second, I saw a man nearly merge into me, then he jerked the wheel back, started slapping himself and talking very aggressively. Great, either sleep deprived or on drugs. I slowed down to 55 until he got out of sight. “HEY I’M EXHAUSTED – DRIVE FASTER!”
Lastly, I had to take a leak and found a Taco Bell off an exit. I walked down the hall and a man was leaning into the women’s restroom. I did a double take and prepared to say something and/or possibly chokeslam him, but as I got right there, I heard him talking to his lady, who I then saw was doing her makeup in the sink. At a Taco Bell. And they couldn’t wait to discuss this over burritos. Something about the babysitter and not urgent, from the four seconds I overheard. I can promise you, if I’m leaning into a public restroom to chat, there’s a fire or they’re giving away free quesadillas for the next 14 seconds and we have to move. Actually, forget that, I’m just getting the quesadillas, you’re on your own.