I seem to be a magnet for odd or awkward conversation. Recently, I was relieving myself when my daughter walked in, stood about six inches from me and said, “Dada’s pooping!” “Well, I’m peeing…” Any explanation was overridden with fear that at any second a sudden movement would have very disastrous consequences. And that’s not even as bad as the rest of this list and she’s two. These other people, adults.
I called a business once to place an order. I threw in the ol’ “How’s it going today?” “My niece died.” I was dead silent for about three seconds. “I’m sorry to hear that, that’s terrible.” “Did you need to order?” He went from my niece died to did you need to order in one sentence. I ordered just to move along past it.
I did a show in a small town in the middle of nowhere. A man, smashed, stumbled up. “You need to do more racist jokes!” Well, by more, you’re implying I did one in the first place. His daughter, closer to my age, grabbed him. “He’s not racist, only when he drinks.” No, sounds like he’s always racist, stupid, it just comes out louder when he’s drunk. Oh, and he looks like he drinks a lot.
I was running with my dog years ago and a neighbor on the other side of my complex had her dog in the yard. Her dog was a slobbering mess and unfixed. As her dog and mine sniffed each other, she began talking. “You should take your dog to a dog park! There’s a nice one about 40 minutes from here.” The whole time, her dog is trying to mount mine and slobbering all over his head and back. “Yeah, that’s pretty far. That’s why I am jogging with him now. Exercise…hey can you grab your dog?” She was impervious. “I like the dog park. Do you go to other ones?” “No, never been once. Hey, can you grab your dog now?” “I found out about one that’s supposed to open soon.” “OK, I’m out of here, nice talk. Enjoy the dog park!” I started jogging again with my dog; her dunce dog kept following us and she had zero interest in pursuing. This happened about 11 more times, word for word, until one day, blocking the sidewalk yet again, she told me they had to move due to complaints against their dog, but maybe we should have our dogs meet to play. I told her I didn’t remember my number and started running again.