People love top ten lists. I just read one about the Undertaker that was maybe the most boring and poorly written list I’ve seen – I read the whole damn thing. He’s the best. So, I’ll try one. Comedy isn’t all clowns (the good kind) and rainbows, but hopefully you enjoy the misery of laughter, from a comic.
1) Everyone gives you jokes. Thanks for that joke I heard when I was six – so did everyone else. I’ll stick to my original material.
2) People telling you to use stuff that’s not funny. One time at a job, a guy who knew I did stand-up said, “That guy is a piece of work. You should talk about him onstage!” Yes, I should talk about Lenny the mechanic, who absolutely no one knows. Maybe I’ll build a nice story about him in the five minutes I have, just in time to get the light and miss the punchline, whatever in the blue hell that may be. “Oh that Lenny, he sure does love his Hungry Man microwave dinners! Thanks for coming out tonight!”
3) People think if you are doing a show, you intimately know the menu, ticket policy, comfort level of the seats, drink selection and good restaurants nearby. “Get the chicken parm, yes, they let 18 and up in, but not under 18, the booth seats are better but they’re in the back, the Long Islands are strong and for sure eat at the Mexican restaurant 2 blocks down if you don’t eat at the show…OH WAIT IT’S A PLACE I’VE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND I’M ONSTAGE NOT IN THE CROWD.
4) The local emcee. Sometimes, the bar will have a really funny (cough cough) local drunk host the show. They usually read jokes off a sheet of paper or do inside jokes about the owner’s ex-wife until you’re more uncomfortable than say, a voter having to pick a president this November.
5) Promoting a shitty show. I used to do every damn show I could and some I couldn’t but fit in. I took a show where there was a sign on the door saying don’t disrespect the Young Bloodz motorcycle gang. The heat was off and the only drinks were warm High Lifes and a bottle of gin mixed with Coke. I actually hoped no one I told came to the show and it wasn’t the last time I’ve felt that.