I had to get a biometric screen (that’s a fancy word for physical) to keep my insurance from going up yet again. I think I would rather have had my insurance go up. Anyone have a time machine?
Dr. – Did you fast for the last six hours?
Me – No, was I supposed to?
Dr. – Yes.
Me – Well no one told me to. Just do the blood work. I’m not coming back.
Dr. – Your levels will be off, especially if you drank milk.
Me – (How does she know I drank milk? How fat am I?) Oh cool, I had almond milk. Light almond milk, trying to lose weight.
Dr stares at me. – OK. (Test results later show Dr. was 100% right or I have preliminary diabetes).
Dr. – You smoke?
Me – No.
Dr. – Ever?
Me – (Who is this Spanish Inquisition motherfucker? Back off my nuts!) In college.
Dr. – Drink?
Me – (Well Judas priest, I’m toast now.) A little. Just like four or five a week.
Dr. stares at me. Writes something down. Probably not good. (Clears throat) Well, let’s check your BMI. Oooh, you’re higher than before.
Me – Aren’t those all messed up? I lift weights. Muscle weighs more than fat. (Tries to remember last time I lifted weights, imagines that I still have muscle).
Dr. – Um. Yeah, a little bit. (Stares at chart that lets me know I went from overweight to obese long enough to send message).
Me – OK, thanks doc. (Plans to get new doctor or eat nothing but notebook paper and kale until the next visit.)