Well, I’m old now. It’s official. I don’t want silly things; I am mature now. Here’s what I want, you know, the simple things.
– I want my daughter’s first word to be daddy. I’ll settle for freedom, eagle, Merica or eagle though.
– That reminds me, I want a pet bald eagle. They can’t be caged or controlled, it’s science, so I hope one thinks I’m cool and we fight crime and terrorism together as partners.
– Every time a stranger asks me a question, I want Ronnie James Dio to appear and sing metal hits so loud it drowns it out instantly. Example: “Excuse me, can you sign the petition to…” (smoke, explosions, music starts) HOLY DIVER! YOU’VE BEEN DOWN TO LONG IN THE MIDNIGHT SEA! OH WHAT’S BECOMING OF ME? “Never mind, sorry to bother you sir.” Perfect.
– A car that drives itself. It’s 2015. This was supposed to happen years ago, science dicks. If I could sleep while my car drove…well, I’d be my grandpa. Bad example.
– People to order my book at http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Read-While-You-Sh/dp/1329558936/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450154283&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=stuff+to+read+while+you+shit+book and give it five stars. Or the next president to mandate that everyone has to order a copy. Whatever gets me to 350 million copies sold first.
– Beer to have zero calories, but not in a way that makes me grow a vagina.
– The superpower to do my wife’s next 35 home improvement projects by playing Fallout 4 or pinball.
– My daughter to look at me while we are watching Sesame Street and say, “Daddy, can we watch Ken Burns documentaries instead?”
That’s all I want, and a happy and healthy family. And Mexican food. And Busch Light showers. And Pantera music when the wind blows. The simple things.
