1) Some sadist decided to put screws in every battery cover. The screws are the size of a mouse’s asshole. Thanks – I was really worried the wall mounted sound machine would lose all the batteries SINCE IT DOESN’T MOVE.
2) How many songs are actually about sex. Pretty much every song released since 1974 is about banging. I’m even screening Christmas music at this point. “Round yon virgin? What in the hell is this Silent Night song trying to pull?”
3) If you would ever sell your soul to the devil, it would be during a crying fit. Especially when your kid is not feeling well. Luckily, I have no soul, so I’m safe.
4) I never knew I would be happy to find out another human being pooped. Now my wife and I openly text about it.
4a) I never knew poop traveled that far from the source. There’s not enough White Castle in the state of Ohio to get me to poop to the middle of my back.
5) The hardest thing in the world is holding a baby in a dark room with a repetitive song or white noise in the background and staying awake. There is nothing harder. I could headbutt a mountain ram and stay awake longer.